365 day challenge: Day 20

Day 20: What you think makes someone beautiful

That's not a good question.

I feel like it's fishing for a list of outward qualities or a pretentious, poetic description of a good and noble person while smashing the former. I'm not going to do that.

For looks - how do we define beautiful? Does it lean more towards hotness and desire or adorable quirks? Conventional beauty, clear cut features, ephemeral illusions? 'I want to touch you' or 'I want to draw you'? Does it count if one of the factors is a general positive feeling towards the person?

I suppose you could say I'm easily captivated by uniqueness, but honestly, plenty of 'unique' looking people are not beautiful at all, to me or otherwise. Not everyone is beautiful and no one has to appear beautiful. Focusing on superficial things for confidence instead of just using them for a boost is harmful in the long term and will warp your worldview.

'A beautiful mind'... could as well stand for anything. Clarity? Kindness? Intelligence? For me, it's always meant a combination of things, but never a set one. You just know when you feel it. Even someone with only qualities that would normally work towards that image might not qualify in the end.

Beauty is not measurable. At least not for me.

365 day challenge: Day 19

Day 19: Your thoughts on your family

Immediate family? I loathe my brother. He's lazy, self-centred, spoiled, violent and bigoted. People like him shouldn't exist. He's a waste of space.

My parents... I don't think they did a stellar job raising either one of us. They're okay as people, but mom is too stubborn, too quick to anger and lacks self-control where it has mattered. Plus she always seems to favour my brother. So does my dad, but he at least gets mad at him more often.

My grandparents are great, as are my cousins. I'm proud of them.

365 day challenge: Day 18

Day 18: Why you made your blog, why you still have it

This one? I suppose I wanted to try blogging - both as a thing my friend was doing and a way to write down my thoughts (I've always been horrible with diaries). Pass time with memes, even.

I still have it because... I still need to get used to writing and expressing myself, I want to document my life, thoughts, feelings and attitudes so I'll always know who I was. I'm hoping it might even help me figure out life a little. And I just have an intense dislike of letting go of things I can keep.

365 day challenge: Day 17

Day 17: Your idol and why you look up to them

I don't have one. There are people I admire and look up to and wish I could be more like, but... they're not idols, per se. They're not the one ideal. They're just amazing people.

Viggo Mortensen, for his craziness, creativity, truthfulness and attitude. Tom Hiddleston for his intelligence and how it doesn't interfere with his kindness, his constant desire to learn, his talent, his education and passion for culture. Ian McKellen, Evanna Lynch, Stephen Fry, all for a myriad of reasons. J. R. R. Tolkien for the world and language he created, how he lived his life the way he dreamed so often, even when faced with hardship and melancholy, his tombstone and general geekery before that was a thing. One of my Finnish teachers for being so passionate and knowledgeable about her subject, all her encouragement and genuine willingness to understand and support me and people like me. Izzy for her writing and constant analysis of herself, her likes and dislikes.

There are simply too many.

365 day challenge: Day 16

Day 16: Someone you trust

It's still technically yesterday. Shush.

I... think the answer to that depends heavily on what the definition is. I trust Ruu with my secrets, my past and I trust her to care for me and love me, even when she's far away and drifts even further. I trust Kim to not share my secrets, I trust her to truly understand my feelings on most topics and events. I... I do trust ttuw. But I can't believe the good things there and I think I'm losing them, I can't help it, but I trust her not to intentionally hurt me through this.

365 day challenge: Day 15

Day 15: A song that makes you cry and why

Hmm. There is no one song that makes me cry every time, (unless it's attached to something, like Hikari to Kingdom Hearts) but I've cried at a lot of songs. Some because of the lyrics or story behind it (Toki o kizamu uta, Wasurenai yo...), some because of the overbearing nostalgia (Harry Potter soundtracks...), some for no apparent reason because it just sounded so good.

365 day challenge: Day 14

Day 14: Write about something you believe in, anything at all

I thought about this for a long time. I don't believe in a deity or a cosmic force, I don't believe in myself, I don't believe in human kindness as a phenomenon. I didn't know what to say.

But I believe in the magic of good books. Or movies, or series, or games... any story you can get immersed in for however long. The magic; the love, the nostalgia, the wonder, the lessons. The way certain lightings or smells can still transport me years back until I'm sitting with my book and remembering the feelings of the moment. I believe everyone should be able to feel that at least once in their lives. I believe it could be beneficial, that there is always something to learn from a story somewhere, that the magic of childhood is embodied in the books I read just as much as the places I visited, or the forests I admired. I believe this should be universal.

365 day challenge: Day 13

Day 13: Your favourite quote

I... don't have one. I've never had one. There are countless quotes I've felt a connection to or been moved by, ranging from whimsical to deathly serious. But there is no 'one and only' motto I live by.

365 day challenge: Day 12

Day 12: The best advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given

"'Perfect' is impossible, it's subjective and not up to you; the evaluation depends on who happens to be doing it and how they happen to be feeling", regarding mostly the biggest exams of my life and anxiety over schoolwork... but knowing the teacher, she intended to have me apply it to everything else.

"Be yourself, pretending not to be is a waste of time", numerous books, and people, but I never needed to be told that.

Actually, most of the good 'advice' I could pass on... didn't actually come from a specific source. Most of it I just absorbed and worked out on my own, and later only heard repetitions of what I already knew. I'm sure I've also passed by a bunch of good advice I just couldn't take then and forgot about later.

365 day challenge: Day 11

Day 11: The worst advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given

"Have you tried not sticking out so much", regarding years of bullying, by a school official.

"Don't take it so seriously", regarding racism, homophobia and sexism in the world... as well as several other things like Romney almost being elected and PS gaining in popularity here in Finland.

"Have you tried exercise", regarding crippling period pains.

"Just go out more", "just look on the bright side of life", "take up a new hobby", "stop moping", all regarding mental health issues.

365 day challenge: Day 10

Day 10: What you think when you hear the words “be yourself”

I think it's good advice, for those who can do it without threat to their lives.
I've always aimed to be truly myself - even when I felt I was 'wrong' in what I was, the way I went about it was changing my behaviour and way of thinking instead of just projecting something I had no intention of being.

I think it encompasses recognising and admitting your shortcomings as well as your strengths. It's not a free pass to be a douche; 'be yourself', to me, means being the best version of yourself. Improving yourself within your own limits while staying true to your feelings.

'Be yourself' doesn't and shouldn't mean 'you're not allowed to change'.

365 day challenge: Day 9

Day 9: Things that make you happy

I've been asked this before and I didn't know how to answer. I still don't. But I guess I'll focus on the fleeting kind, just like for day 8.

I'm happy when people I love notice me. When they tell or show me they care. When they sincerely talk to me about anything. When they confide in me, when they trust me. Inside jokes, casual mentions, 'remember when's... When they make an effort to make me feel better, or loved, or important. Even if it doesn't work in the long term, I'm happy when they try.

Reading a good book or story, watching something good, playing a game I can be immersed in... you could call it escapism, but that's not all it is. I feel the characters' emotions as well, and might just be transported back in time to an easier time. The good kind of nostalgia rests here.

I'm happy when I can move fast and feel the wind, be it running, riding a motorcycle or getting on a ride in the amusement park. Freefalling. Swimming, too.

Cute animals, especially horses, ponies, puppies, kittens and foxes. Anything fluffy, really - actually, even cute snakes and fish make me happy. Petting them makes me happier, having their attention and approval is the best.

I feel happy when I accomplish something, though nowadays I rarely recognise that for what it is.

365 day challenge: Day 8

Day 8: Things that make you sad

(Posted now from drafts as I forgot to post it yesterday.)

Hmm. This isn't as easy as I thought it would be - maybe I should just list things that make me vaguely sad but don't completely crush me? Or things that do, due to depression? Though there is a whole blog full of that elsewhere... and isn't the point of depression and anxiety that it turns normal, usual sad things into worse?

What do you mean, sad? Wanting to cry? Nostalgic sadness? General melancholy? Lost hope in humanity?

I'm... sad when my friends move on from our relationship. When they get new hobbies and abandon old ones, when they switch fandoms, when they stop talking about the things I still love. I'm sad when I think of being left behind.

Knowing someone I love is sad makes me sad. I'm sad when I think of how short our dog's life will be, in the end. I'm sad when I think of my friends' mortality.

I'm sad when I think of their troubles, too; about how I can't help them. I feel sad for characters in shows, movies, books and other media I empathise with.

Nostalgia is more a perpetual state by now. Leaving things, places and memories behind makes me sad. Forgetting makes me sad - and scared.

365 day challenge: Day 7

Day 7: A show or a movie that has changed you, and how

That... happens to me with every series I choose to focus on, more or less. It's more complicated than it could seem. Series I've liked have been such an integral part of my life it's impossible to separate just one trait or revelation from the time period associated with it - just like I can't separate those from the time a person has been in my life. I can't point and say 'this show made me grow up' any more than 'this friend made me compassionate'.

They've all been woven into my personality by now. Every time a series made me think of something new, gave me something to be excited about... each of those times changed me. Mostly for the better, I hope. Idolising J. R. R. Tolkien and Hermione Granger has surely impacted my choices a little, but... I started out identifying with them in the first place.

Rather than say something changed me all at once, I could say they pile on top of each other and gradually melt into what I am? There are no distinct 'layers', just a ball of emotional and nostalgic sludge.

365 day challenge: Day 6

Day 6: Something you would like to change about yourself

Hahahaha oh boy. Again, where do I even begin.

I want to be more intelligent, smarter, more confident - I want to be more pleasant company. I want to read people better, I want to know what I'm doing, I want to stop hitting all these roadblocks.

I want to be prettier, thinner - I want my nose to be smaller, straighter, I wish my ears didn't stick out that much. I wish I had thicker hair, better skin, smaller bones. I want less fat around my hips and thighs. I want a better fashion sense.

I want to be healthy. I want to be strong. I don't want to be depressed and suicidal. I wish I could succeed academically.

365 day challenge: Day 5

Day 5: Something you would change about the world

Where do I even begin? Well. Day 2 was a beginning, I suppose.

I'd make it so racism, homophobia, sexism, transphobia and the like were eradicated completely. I'd eliminate religious zealots. I'd improve the education systems in multiple countries, I'd make healthcare available for all, I'd make sure the rich helped the poor, on an individual level as well as global.

Honestly, I'd just kill off the worst assholes. That would help immensely with the whole overpopulation issue. And the environment.

That sure fell flat.

TV commercials wouldn't be this loud either.

365 day challenge: Day 4

Day 4: How you think your life would change if you achieved your dream?

I don't really have one. If I was a perfect person with numerous talents, a swimming pool, a house full of books and enough money to live on..? I'd be happier. Of course I would. But that's not a dream, even the components aren't dreams.

365 day challenge: Day 3

Day 3: What you think your reason for being here is?

As in... a divine reason for the existence of a human? Why I, specifically, was born? A greater purpose? I don't think there is one. I think it's just a giant ball of coincidence. For me, for everyone.

As for why I've stayed alive... it's a concious choice. I don't want to hurt people I love any more than is necessary.

365 day challenge: Day 2

Day 2: Something that’s illegal but you think it should be legal.

Are we talking Finland? That might narrow it down a bit, I don't feel like going off on a tangent about laws worldwide.

Same sex marriage. As well as adoption. Exposing crimes by questionable means if it meant no harm could come to anyone. Forcible sterilisation of rapists. I'm sure there's more.

365 day challenge: Day 1

Day 1: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days with a picture of yourself.

Took this when I was supposed to start the challenge - hated it too much, decided to just do it anyway now.

'Hopes and dreams' are not words I can strongly identify with. They require some sort of hope for the future, after all. Dreams seem... optimistic, unrealistic, even futile in nature. Plans are easier.

Some goals and plans: doing okay in the last exams, graduating, getting into my first choice university. Beginning to study there, plan out the first two years or so.

Working to get money, not as a career. Travelling to London for a while, maybe getting a job there - meeting friends, living a life not so typical for me. Seeing how I fit in there, if I do.

Eating better, being stricter. Improving my metabolism, eliminating the problems. Exercising, losing fat, getting in shape... learning to run, achieving muscle definition in upper body. After exams, the beginner's Blogilates challenge... then seeing if I keep that up or find a better route to take.

Writing fic. At least once. Drawing. Finishing cosplays. Finding better clothes to wear, or more likely, learning to wear what I already own better.

But... I do suppose I have something I can only hope for - I hope I don't get completely cut off from the lives of people I love.