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I'm up at 1:30, exhausted and in pain - I have an exam tomorrow, and the day after, and maybe even the day after that if things don't work out well. It's not unusual, I do have trouble sleeping. But it seems I also have recurring nightmares, now. One is... common, persistent.
I dream I can't wake up - not that I'm going to 'sleep forever' and forget everything, that's not as horrifying - I keep snapping awake in my own bed with the room as I left it, and each time I realise it was just a dream. I stay 'awake' only for a moment and spend the majority of that time wondering if I'm actually awake this time. It starts out mildly annoying, just... not being able to get up as fast as I'd like. Normal, kind of - I'm sure a lot of people have had that dream in which they get ready for school or work only to discover they're still lying in bed. For the most part, it's only a minute or two of instant failure, but sometimes I get as far as the door. Sometimes, I get up only to get paralysed and fall to the floor. Sometimes, I hear people outside. It gets worse, though.
It does. After a certain point, just I start trying to scream every time I seem to wake up - I never manage, I don't think there's any reaction in real life, but even in the dream it fails. I just wake up the next time, thinking the scream must have been too late, must have stayed in the dream world, didn't carry over. I try again, and again, and again - it's like feverish delusions, if you've ever had those. Eventually, I might see someone at the door. I might be able to beg for help, tell them I can't move, I can't keep my eyes open, help me, take me away, but they always turn out to be just another dream. Sometimes they even get close to me - reach out, speak, anything - but it never stays that way.
When I finally wake up from these it's a relief and a fright at the same time. I need to check and re-check reality, I need to get up, I can't lie still, hard as it might be to do anything more complex than breathing. It's either suffering through the day somehow or potentially falling back to that. It's not even tempting, really - it's not the kind of dream that excludes depression. All of it goes with me. Often it's what makes me realise the more successful fake wakings are exactly that: fake.
Once, I 'woke up' because I realised the person trying to help me was too kind, too loving. It just couldn't be true. It couldn't be them.
I offended them in the dream by voicing that thought - not that it mattered: that was the moment I sank back.
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So. I'll be moving a lot this summer. Most likely back to my parents' house for July, then alone to some temporary apartment/room in August and again to a (hopefully) more permanent one in September. I'm hoping I won't have to look alone, finding a place to live is a nightmare here in autumn. Too many new students flowing in.
Regarding medication, to have some connection to previous posts: they had me on Lamictal for a while, but it didn't seem to do anything at 100mg - the doctor wants me to keep trying, but well, it's expensive and usually ineffective alone, which would mean more costs. Going back on it is still a possibility, if KELA cooperates. I don't think I have time to figure that out right now, though, and I won't be seeing another doctor until August. At best.
