Etcetera

Sometimes I want to post casually suicidal thoughts on my tumblr... but then I remember it's followed by 17-year-olds I barely know from school. "I'm sick of it, I'm sick of feeling like shit, I want to die. Let me die. I don't want to do this anymore."

---

I'm up at 1:30, exhausted and in pain - I have an exam tomorrow, and the day after, and maybe even the day after that if things don't work out well. It's not unusual, I do have trouble sleeping. But it seems I also have recurring nightmares, now. One is... common, persistent. 

I dream I can't wake up - not that I'm going to 'sleep forever' and forget everything, that's not as horrifying - I keep snapping awake in my own bed with the room as I left it, and each time I realise it was just a dream. I stay 'awake' only for a moment and spend the majority of that time wondering if I'm actually awake this time. It starts out mildly annoying, just... not being able to get up as fast as I'd like. Normal, kind of - I'm sure a lot of people have had that dream in which they get ready for school or work only to discover they're still lying in bed. For the most part, it's only a minute or two of instant failure, but sometimes I get as far as the door. Sometimes, I get up only to get paralysed and fall to the floor. Sometimes, I hear people outside. It gets worse, though.

It does. After a certain point, just I start trying to scream every time I seem to wake up - I never manage, I don't think there's any reaction in real life, but even in the dream it fails. I just wake up the next time, thinking the scream must have been too late, must have stayed in the dream world, didn't carry over. I try again, and again, and again - it's like feverish delusions, if you've ever had those. Eventually, I might see someone at the door. I might be able to beg for help, tell them I can't move, I can't keep my eyes open, help me, take me away, but they always turn out to be just another dream. Sometimes they even get close to me - reach out, speak, anything - but it never stays that way.

When I finally wake up from these it's a relief and a fright at the same time. I need to check and re-check reality, I need to get up, I can't lie still, hard as it might be to do anything more complex than breathing. It's either suffering through the day somehow or potentially falling back to that. It's not even tempting, really - it's not the kind of dream that excludes depression. All of it goes with me. Often it's what makes me realise the more successful fake wakings are exactly that: fake.

Once, I 'woke up' because I realised the person trying to help me was too kind, too loving. It just couldn't be true. It couldn't be them.

I offended them in the dream by voicing that thought - not that it mattered: that was the moment I sank back.

---

So. I'll be moving a lot this summer. Most likely back to my parents' house for July, then alone to some temporary apartment/room in August and again to a (hopefully) more permanent one in September. I'm hoping I won't have to look alone, finding a place to live is a nightmare here in autumn. Too many new students flowing in.

Regarding medication, to have some connection to previous posts: they had me on Lamictal for a while, but it didn't seem to do anything at 100mg - the doctor wants me to keep trying, but well, it's expensive and usually ineffective alone, which would mean more costs. Going back on it is still a possibility, if KELA cooperates. I don't think I have time to figure that out right now, though, and I won't be seeing another doctor until August. At best.

More med-blogging

So. Voxra (at 300 mg) may have given me some energy - or I don't know, lack of complete and utter tiredness? However, it's not worth the side effects.

The bad taste hasn't disappeared, and I doubt it ever would have and just about everything is worse now. Depression and suicidality are now accompanied by an irritated sense of nothingness; 'nothing' mattered before, but now it feels like that is also the objective truth. That it doesn't matter, I don't matter and thus, it's all pointless.

I mentioned the heightened anxiety before - well, that got worse. In every aspect, social and otherwise. I flinch at the strangest things; I nearly gave myself a heart attack when I went into the hallway and saw the lights were on, I froze on the spot when I heard a noise... which turned out to be my pant legs. When my hair shifted on my neck I thought I might die.

I've just been jumpy as hell in general. I'm currently alone in the apartment and I have no idea when either flatmate might be back from wherever they've been for the holiday. I'm sort of dreading it already. Every time I hear someone taking the stairs, I freeze and listen until I hear a door open somewhere else.  I nearly dropped my mouse when someone decided to deliver pamphlets at two in the morning.

I've also been reading every other word wrong today, for whatever reason.

Anyway - I have permission to lower my dose and start up the next one. That would be Lamictal. The doctor suggested I keep up Voxra for a while longer, but... no. It's the worst medication I've had to experience so far.

Considering recent changes...

"Bupropion is an atypical antidepressant and smoking cessation aid. The drug is a mild psychostimulant. Its primary pharmacological action is thought to be norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibition. It binds selectively to the dopamine transporter, but its behavioural effects have often been attributed to its inhibition of norepinephrine reuptake."

I've been on Voxra for a while now, a little over a month at this dosage. I'm still not sure what it's doing. I did get awful side effects; first headaches, fatigue, aching muscles and joints, dizziness, loss of appetite and taste, crying a little for no reason, being more prone to crying in general. Most seemed to settle pretty soon. When I upped the dose I got another batch of them: more nausea, a weird taste in my mouth, worse dizziness, aches, loss of balance, fever, blushing and generally feeling like shit. That went on for a week or so, I was close to quitting this and asking for an alternative. They passed too, eventually.

I still blush for no apparent reason sometimes and might not notice it. I still get a bad taste in my mouth. I still tear up randomly. My back is stiff and achy, but hasn't that been the case long before this medication? Falling asleep is difficult and my sleeping patterns are irregular, but wasn't that even worse at some point? I'm still suicidal and self-destructive, but that certainly was true before.

A lot of the new developments could be caused by Voxra, something new I've done, a new habit or possibly, a mix of them - it's incredibly difficult to pinpoint any one effect and connect it to the right cause.

I 'stopped thinking' for a while before the matriculation exams (ended 20.3.) and focused solely on them. Of course, a stray thought leaked through every now and then, but I did well for, you know, a human being. That was not the issue itself: I started getting impulsive destructive urges more frequently, instead of the calm plans and lethargic self-hate. Wanting to smash things (mirrors), jump off high buildings, stab myself repeatedly or break bones. In addition to that, I got irritated, even angry, easier than I used to - for lesser causes, at people I don't even dislike. It's still going on, mixed with social anxiety, the resulting self-blame and aggressive depression. Volatile sadness? Gee.

I think this was mostly due to the restricted thinking, but the medication could have helped it along. Or maybe it was a 50/50 combination, who knows.

On the other hand, I've noticed sudden, non-permanent changes in my reactions to some things. When I look at a photo taken from up high, I almost feel the thrill and distance the photographer could have felt and seen. I've never been afraid of heights before. I still don't think I am. I haven't been afraid of anything tangible since... childhood, I suppose. Yet now I might sometimes feel unsafe in darkness, or get sudden flashes of what could jump out to scare me. They're not pretty. It didn't even happen to this degree when I was six, it's new to me.

I'm not sure what to think about that. Is it just me being normalised slowly, to match most other humans? Is it anxiety, panic disorder? Paranoia, linked to what? Psychosis, derealisation? There aren't many sources of knowledge of Voxra specifically, as it's only distributed here. It's hard to check if anyone 'started to fear' or 'got jumpy' as it is. I suppose Wellbutrin might be close enough, being the best known form of the drug makes it the easiest to research.

The hopelessness... hasn't gone anywhere, I don't currently feel the severity of it has changed, but who knows. I'm still exhausted, I'm still depressed, I still mull over things and lack motivation. The social anxiety and 'paranoia' are as strong as ever. I'm not sure if there's been any change, but if there was, it'd be summed up by 'jittery'.

As for the intended effects? Higher functionality? I can't say. I wasn't at my absolute lowest when I started taking this, so there's no sure way to tell if it's had an impact. At least it hasn't made the lethargy worse, but I suppose the overactive thoughts and violent surges of destructive thinking make up for that little slip.