365 day challenge: Day 10

Day 10: What you think when you hear the words “be yourself”

I think it's good advice, for those who can do it without threat to their lives.
I've always aimed to be truly myself - even when I felt I was 'wrong' in what I was, the way I went about it was changing my behaviour and way of thinking instead of just projecting something I had no intention of being.

I think it encompasses recognising and admitting your shortcomings as well as your strengths. It's not a free pass to be a douche; 'be yourself', to me, means being the best version of yourself. Improving yourself within your own limits while staying true to your feelings.

'Be yourself' doesn't and shouldn't mean 'you're not allowed to change'.

365 day challenge: Day 9

Day 9: Things that make you happy

I've been asked this before and I didn't know how to answer. I still don't. But I guess I'll focus on the fleeting kind, just like for day 8.

I'm happy when people I love notice me. When they tell or show me they care. When they sincerely talk to me about anything. When they confide in me, when they trust me. Inside jokes, casual mentions, 'remember when's... When they make an effort to make me feel better, or loved, or important. Even if it doesn't work in the long term, I'm happy when they try.

Reading a good book or story, watching something good, playing a game I can be immersed in... you could call it escapism, but that's not all it is. I feel the characters' emotions as well, and might just be transported back in time to an easier time. The good kind of nostalgia rests here.

I'm happy when I can move fast and feel the wind, be it running, riding a motorcycle or getting on a ride in the amusement park. Freefalling. Swimming, too.

Cute animals, especially horses, ponies, puppies, kittens and foxes. Anything fluffy, really - actually, even cute snakes and fish make me happy. Petting them makes me happier, having their attention and approval is the best.

I feel happy when I accomplish something, though nowadays I rarely recognise that for what it is.

365 day challenge: Day 8

Day 8: Things that make you sad

(Posted now from drafts as I forgot to post it yesterday.)

Hmm. This isn't as easy as I thought it would be - maybe I should just list things that make me vaguely sad but don't completely crush me? Or things that do, due to depression? Though there is a whole blog full of that elsewhere... and isn't the point of depression and anxiety that it turns normal, usual sad things into worse?

What do you mean, sad? Wanting to cry? Nostalgic sadness? General melancholy? Lost hope in humanity?

I'm... sad when my friends move on from our relationship. When they get new hobbies and abandon old ones, when they switch fandoms, when they stop talking about the things I still love. I'm sad when I think of being left behind.

Knowing someone I love is sad makes me sad. I'm sad when I think of how short our dog's life will be, in the end. I'm sad when I think of my friends' mortality.

I'm sad when I think of their troubles, too; about how I can't help them. I feel sad for characters in shows, movies, books and other media I empathise with.

Nostalgia is more a perpetual state by now. Leaving things, places and memories behind makes me sad. Forgetting makes me sad - and scared.

365 day challenge: Day 7

Day 7: A show or a movie that has changed you, and how

That... happens to me with every series I choose to focus on, more or less. It's more complicated than it could seem. Series I've liked have been such an integral part of my life it's impossible to separate just one trait or revelation from the time period associated with it - just like I can't separate those from the time a person has been in my life. I can't point and say 'this show made me grow up' any more than 'this friend made me compassionate'.

They've all been woven into my personality by now. Every time a series made me think of something new, gave me something to be excited about... each of those times changed me. Mostly for the better, I hope. Idolising J. R. R. Tolkien and Hermione Granger has surely impacted my choices a little, but... I started out identifying with them in the first place.

Rather than say something changed me all at once, I could say they pile on top of each other and gradually melt into what I am? There are no distinct 'layers', just a ball of emotional and nostalgic sludge.

365 day challenge: Day 6

Day 6: Something you would like to change about yourself

Hahahaha oh boy. Again, where do I even begin.

I want to be more intelligent, smarter, more confident - I want to be more pleasant company. I want to read people better, I want to know what I'm doing, I want to stop hitting all these roadblocks.

I want to be prettier, thinner - I want my nose to be smaller, straighter, I wish my ears didn't stick out that much. I wish I had thicker hair, better skin, smaller bones. I want less fat around my hips and thighs. I want a better fashion sense.

I want to be healthy. I want to be strong. I don't want to be depressed and suicidal. I wish I could succeed academically.

365 day challenge: Day 5

Day 5: Something you would change about the world

Where do I even begin? Well. Day 2 was a beginning, I suppose.

I'd make it so racism, homophobia, sexism, transphobia and the like were eradicated completely. I'd eliminate religious zealots. I'd improve the education systems in multiple countries, I'd make healthcare available for all, I'd make sure the rich helped the poor, on an individual level as well as global.

Honestly, I'd just kill off the worst assholes. That would help immensely with the whole overpopulation issue. And the environment.

That sure fell flat.

TV commercials wouldn't be this loud either.

365 day challenge: Day 4

Day 4: How you think your life would change if you achieved your dream?

I don't really have one. If I was a perfect person with numerous talents, a swimming pool, a house full of books and enough money to live on..? I'd be happier. Of course I would. But that's not a dream, even the components aren't dreams.

365 day challenge: Day 3

Day 3: What you think your reason for being here is?

As in... a divine reason for the existence of a human? Why I, specifically, was born? A greater purpose? I don't think there is one. I think it's just a giant ball of coincidence. For me, for everyone.

As for why I've stayed alive... it's a concious choice. I don't want to hurt people I love any more than is necessary.

365 day challenge: Day 2

Day 2: Something that’s illegal but you think it should be legal.

Are we talking Finland? That might narrow it down a bit, I don't feel like going off on a tangent about laws worldwide.

Same sex marriage. As well as adoption. Exposing crimes by questionable means if it meant no harm could come to anyone. Forcible sterilisation of rapists. I'm sure there's more.

365 day challenge: Day 1

Day 1: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days with a picture of yourself.

Took this when I was supposed to start the challenge - hated it too much, decided to just do it anyway now.

'Hopes and dreams' are not words I can strongly identify with. They require some sort of hope for the future, after all. Dreams seem... optimistic, unrealistic, even futile in nature. Plans are easier.

Some goals and plans: doing okay in the last exams, graduating, getting into my first choice university. Beginning to study there, plan out the first two years or so.

Working to get money, not as a career. Travelling to London for a while, maybe getting a job there - meeting friends, living a life not so typical for me. Seeing how I fit in there, if I do.

Eating better, being stricter. Improving my metabolism, eliminating the problems. Exercising, losing fat, getting in shape... learning to run, achieving muscle definition in upper body. After exams, the beginner's Blogilates challenge... then seeing if I keep that up or find a better route to take.

Writing fic. At least once. Drawing. Finishing cosplays. Finding better clothes to wear, or more likely, learning to wear what I already own better.

But... I do suppose I have something I can only hope for - I hope I don't get completely cut off from the lives of people I love.