365 day challenge: Day 10

Day 10: What you think when you hear the words “be yourself”

I think it's good advice, for those who can do it without threat to their lives.
I've always aimed to be truly myself - even when I felt I was 'wrong' in what I was, the way I went about it was changing my behaviour and way of thinking instead of just projecting something I had no intention of being.

I think it encompasses recognising and admitting your shortcomings as well as your strengths. It's not a free pass to be a douche; 'be yourself', to me, means being the best version of yourself. Improving yourself within your own limits while staying true to your feelings.

'Be yourself' doesn't and shouldn't mean 'you're not allowed to change'.

365 day challenge: Day 9

Day 9: Things that make you happy

I've been asked this before and I didn't know how to answer. I still don't. But I guess I'll focus on the fleeting kind, just like for day 8.

I'm happy when people I love notice me. When they tell or show me they care. When they sincerely talk to me about anything. When they confide in me, when they trust me. Inside jokes, casual mentions, 'remember when's... When they make an effort to make me feel better, or loved, or important. Even if it doesn't work in the long term, I'm happy when they try.

Reading a good book or story, watching something good, playing a game I can be immersed in... you could call it escapism, but that's not all it is. I feel the characters' emotions as well, and might just be transported back in time to an easier time. The good kind of nostalgia rests here.

I'm happy when I can move fast and feel the wind, be it running, riding a motorcycle or getting on a ride in the amusement park. Freefalling. Swimming, too.

Cute animals, especially horses, ponies, puppies, kittens and foxes. Anything fluffy, really - actually, even cute snakes and fish make me happy. Petting them makes me happier, having their attention and approval is the best.

I feel happy when I accomplish something, though nowadays I rarely recognise that for what it is.

365 day challenge: Day 8

Day 8: Things that make you sad

(Posted now from drafts as I forgot to post it yesterday.)

Hmm. This isn't as easy as I thought it would be - maybe I should just list things that make me vaguely sad but don't completely crush me? Or things that do, due to depression? Though there is a whole blog full of that elsewhere... and isn't the point of depression and anxiety that it turns normal, usual sad things into worse?

What do you mean, sad? Wanting to cry? Nostalgic sadness? General melancholy? Lost hope in humanity?

I'm... sad when my friends move on from our relationship. When they get new hobbies and abandon old ones, when they switch fandoms, when they stop talking about the things I still love. I'm sad when I think of being left behind.

Knowing someone I love is sad makes me sad. I'm sad when I think of how short our dog's life will be, in the end. I'm sad when I think of my friends' mortality.

I'm sad when I think of their troubles, too; about how I can't help them. I feel sad for characters in shows, movies, books and other media I empathise with.

Nostalgia is more a perpetual state by now. Leaving things, places and memories behind makes me sad. Forgetting makes me sad - and scared.

365 day challenge: Day 7

Day 7: A show or a movie that has changed you, and how

That... happens to me with every series I choose to focus on, more or less. It's more complicated than it could seem. Series I've liked have been such an integral part of my life it's impossible to separate just one trait or revelation from the time period associated with it - just like I can't separate those from the time a person has been in my life. I can't point and say 'this show made me grow up' any more than 'this friend made me compassionate'.

They've all been woven into my personality by now. Every time a series made me think of something new, gave me something to be excited about... each of those times changed me. Mostly for the better, I hope. Idolising J. R. R. Tolkien and Hermione Granger has surely impacted my choices a little, but... I started out identifying with them in the first place.

Rather than say something changed me all at once, I could say they pile on top of each other and gradually melt into what I am? There are no distinct 'layers', just a ball of emotional and nostalgic sludge.

365 day challenge: Day 6

Day 6: Something you would like to change about yourself

Hahahaha oh boy. Again, where do I even begin.

I want to be more intelligent, smarter, more confident - I want to be more pleasant company. I want to read people better, I want to know what I'm doing, I want to stop hitting all these roadblocks.

I want to be prettier, thinner - I want my nose to be smaller, straighter, I wish my ears didn't stick out that much. I wish I had thicker hair, better skin, smaller bones. I want less fat around my hips and thighs. I want a better fashion sense.

I want to be healthy. I want to be strong. I don't want to be depressed and suicidal. I wish I could succeed academically.

365 day challenge: Day 5

Day 5: Something you would change about the world

Where do I even begin? Well. Day 2 was a beginning, I suppose.

I'd make it so racism, homophobia, sexism, transphobia and the like were eradicated completely. I'd eliminate religious zealots. I'd improve the education systems in multiple countries, I'd make healthcare available for all, I'd make sure the rich helped the poor, on an individual level as well as global.

Honestly, I'd just kill off the worst assholes. That would help immensely with the whole overpopulation issue. And the environment.

That sure fell flat.

TV commercials wouldn't be this loud either.

365 day challenge: Day 4

Day 4: How you think your life would change if you achieved your dream?

I don't really have one. If I was a perfect person with numerous talents, a swimming pool, a house full of books and enough money to live on..? I'd be happier. Of course I would. But that's not a dream, even the components aren't dreams.

365 day challenge: Day 3

Day 3: What you think your reason for being here is?

As in... a divine reason for the existence of a human? Why I, specifically, was born? A greater purpose? I don't think there is one. I think it's just a giant ball of coincidence. For me, for everyone.

As for why I've stayed alive... it's a concious choice. I don't want to hurt people I love any more than is necessary.

365 day challenge: Day 2

Day 2: Something that’s illegal but you think it should be legal.

Are we talking Finland? That might narrow it down a bit, I don't feel like going off on a tangent about laws worldwide.

Same sex marriage. As well as adoption. Exposing crimes by questionable means if it meant no harm could come to anyone. Forcible sterilisation of rapists. I'm sure there's more.

365 day challenge: Day 1

Day 1: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days with a picture of yourself.

Took this when I was supposed to start the challenge - hated it too much, decided to just do it anyway now.

'Hopes and dreams' are not words I can strongly identify with. They require some sort of hope for the future, after all. Dreams seem... optimistic, unrealistic, even futile in nature. Plans are easier.

Some goals and plans: doing okay in the last exams, graduating, getting into my first choice university. Beginning to study there, plan out the first two years or so.

Working to get money, not as a career. Travelling to London for a while, maybe getting a job there - meeting friends, living a life not so typical for me. Seeing how I fit in there, if I do.

Eating better, being stricter. Improving my metabolism, eliminating the problems. Exercising, losing fat, getting in shape... learning to run, achieving muscle definition in upper body. After exams, the beginner's Blogilates challenge... then seeing if I keep that up or find a better route to take.

Writing fic. At least once. Drawing. Finishing cosplays. Finding better clothes to wear, or more likely, learning to wear what I already own better.

But... I do suppose I have something I can only hope for - I hope I don't get completely cut off from the lives of people I love.

365 day challenge

Day 1: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days with a picture of yourself.
Day 2: Something that’s illegal but you think it should be legal.
Day 3: What you think your reason for being here is?
Day 4: How you think your life would change if you achieved your dream?
Day 5: Something you would change about the world
Day 6: Something you would like to change about yourself
Day 7: A show or a movie that has changed you, and how
Day 8: Things that make you sad
Day 9: Things that make you happy
Day 10: What you think when you hear the words “be yourself”
Day 11: The worst advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given
Day 12: The best advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given
Day 13: Your favourite quote
Day 14: Write about something you believe in, anything at all
Day 15: A song that makes you cry and why
Day 16: Someone you trust
Day 17: Your idol and why you look up to them
Day 18: Why you made your blog, why you still have it
Day 19: Your thoughts on your family
Day 20: What you think makes someone beautiful
Day 21: What does your favourite t-shirt look like
Day 22: How you judge intelligence
Day 23: A month/year of your life when you were happiest and why
Day 24: Your favourite 10 people right now and why
Day 25: The last movie you watched
Day 26: 5 things you’re looking forward to
Day 27: A person you wished lived closer and why
Day 28: Something you makes you really angry
Day 29: A date you’d love for someone to take you on
Day 30: 5 favourite girls names, 5 favourite boys names
Day 31: A bit about your social life outside of tumblr
Day 32: How many pictures do you have in your room
Day 33: Someone who really hurt you
Day 34: Your horoscope for today and whether you think it’s accurate
Day 35: What is your favourite poptart flavor
Day 36: What do you think about your friends
Day 37: Who are you
Day 38: Thoughts on your generation
Day 39: Why you think you’ve learnt more from the good or the bad
Day 40: What are features you get complimented on a lot
Day 41: When was the last time you wrote a letter? to whom?
Day 42: What do you think of your driver’s license picture
Day 43: Is it possible to lie without saying a word
Day 44: When was the last time you wore a dress
Day 45: When was the last time you tried something new
Day 46: What makes you smile
Day 47: What was your last Halloween costume
Day 48: Your life story in three words
Day 49: Are you a lover or a fighter
Day 50: Why you are doing this challenge
Day 51: Describe your future wedding
Day 52: If you didn’t have an age, how old would you think you were
Day 53: Your day, in great detail
Day 54: Your definition of love
Day 55: A passage from a book that has touched you
Day 56: Something you did as a child that other people remember you for
Day 57: What is your definition of happiness
Day 58: Places you want to visit, and why
Day 59: What color are your favourite pair of flip flops
Day 60: A YouTube video you absolutely love and describe why
Day 61: One of your most prised possessions
Day 62: How many keys are on your keyring
Day 63: The song with the most number of plays on your itunes
Day 64: Favourite thing about last month
Day 65: One random fact about yourself
Day 66: If you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be
Day 67: How you found out about tumblr, and why you made one
Day 68: The best concert you have been to
Day 69: Powerful song lyrics you love
Day 70: A celebrity you don’t necessarily enjoy, and why
Day 71: Differences between you and your best friend
Day 72: List of everything you ate today
Day 73: What are your favourite pair of shoes
Day 74: How would you describe your style of clothing
Day 75: What is one of the best dreams you have ever had
Day 76: How do you feel about going green
Day 77: What gives you everyday inspiration
Day 78: Would you rather people be honest with you, even if it’s something not good, or lie to you to make you feel good
Day 79: Least favourite subject in school
Day 80: A picture from your childhood
Day 81: What is your biggest fear
Day 82: Would you break the law to save a loved one
Day 83: If you had to teach something, what would you teach
Day 84: Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength
Day 85: If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be
Day 86: What is the difference between living and existing
Day 87: What are your views upon sex before marriage
Day 88: Does money equal happiness
Day 89: Are you self-aware
Day 90: Write a letter to one of your close friends
Day 91: Name a book you read in school that wasn’t entirely awful
Day 92: What have you learnt just from attending your school
Day 93: What about the opposite sex can you not understand
Day 94: Do you keep your thoughts to yourself
Day 95: Describe the weather right now
Day 96: What do you love the most about your grandparents
Day 97: Something you’ve always wondered
Day 98: What would be the hardest and most fearful thing you would ever have to face in your lifetime
Day 99: Do you think it’s better to have a few close best friends or to have a lot of acquaintances
Day 100: What is the best thing about being your age
Day 101: Would you like to travel abroad to learn about new things throughout the world
Day 102: Lessons you’ve learnt throughout life
Day 103: Do you believe in god
Day 104: Three words you can’t go a day without using
Day 105: Describe your favourite place in the world
Day 106: Someone you judged by the first impression
Day 107: The name of your pet
Day 108: Is it easier to forgive or forget
Day 109: If you were a super hero, what kind of powers would you have
Day 110: Something that makes you happy
Day 111: Do you wish upon 11:11 even if it may not come true
Day 112: What is the most important part in a relationship, do you think
Day 113: Do you believe that if you want something enough you’ll get it
Day 114: Do you like when people are protective over you
Day 115: Is it possible to be single and happy
Day 116: One guy who means a lot to you
Day 117: If you were to get a tattoo, what would it look like
Day 118: What people in your life inspire you the most
Day 119: Something you hope you never have to do
Day 120: What is your zodiac sign and what do you think it means
Day 121: What do you think about stereotypes
Day 122: Which activities make you lose track of time
Day 123: Do you believe teenagers can fall in love
Day 124: Have you ever had feelings for someone who was seeing someone else
Day 125: Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy
Day 126: Have you ever been betrayed by someone you trusted
Day 127: Do you believe in second chances
Day 128: What is your life’s purpose
Day 129: Favourite month of the year and why
Day 130: If you were deserted on an island, what would you bring
Day 131: What do you worry about
Day 132: Do you believe ex’s can be friends
Day 133: If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret, what would you do
Day 134: Do you have a reason to smile right now
Day 135: Is change a good thing
Day 136: If you were 12 and looked at yourself in the future, would you be happy
Day 137: One of your wildest dreams
Day 138: One of the nicest things anyone has said to you
Day 139: Something you can’t wait for
Day 140: How do you feel about people disrespecting their parents
Day 141: Someone who fascinates you
Day 142: How have you changed in the past 2 years
Day 143: How important you think education is
Day 144: Are you planning on having children one day
Day 145: Is it easy to trust others
Day 146: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them
Day 147: What do you think about ignorant people
Day 148: Do you think more about the past, present, or future
Day 149: Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships
Day 150: How is your heart lately
Day 151: Would you move to a different country to be with the one you love
Day 152: What is one step of action you would take to change the world
Day 153: Do you think the hardest thing is sometimes the easiest thing
Day 154: A moment you felt most satisfied in your life
Day 155: What is one achievement you are proud of
Day 156: What is a TV show you enjoy the most
Day 157: Do you like to give or receive
Day 158: Would you give up all of your presents one Christmas time to help others from other countries
Day 159: What is one thing you love about photography
Day 160: Do you go by live, laugh, love
Day 161: Why is it so much easier being a child, than an adult
Day 162: Highs and lows of this month
Day 163: Where is one place you would love to visit
Day 164: One thing many people don’t know about you
Day 165: Favourite type of music
Day 166: Have you ever had a teacher that changed your life
Day 167: Funniest movie you have ever seen
Day 168: How do you feel about cyber bullying
Day 169: What is your life motto
Day 170: What is something you notice throughout high school
Day 171: One famous guy you would marry in an instant
Day 172: What kind of person attracts you
Day 173: Is there something you laugh at every time it happens
Day 174: How do you think you’re going to act like in 10 years
Day 175: Songs you listen to when you’re happy
Day 176: Do you enjoy cooking
Day 177: Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 178: A goal you have this weekend
Day 179: How did you spend your last birthday?
Day 180: What is the most inspiring book you have read?
Day 181: A picture of your favourite memory
Day 182: A picture that makes you laugh
Day 183: You are told you have one week left to live, how do you spend it?
Day 184: When you think of your best friend, what is your first memory? How did you meet them, explain him/her.
Day 185: Where will you be in ten years?
Day 186: Have you ever made a time capsule? If yes, with who, do you remember what you put inside? If not, what would you put inside if you had to put something in right now?
Day 187: Post a picture of yourself, taken today, and five random facts about yourself.
Day 188: What are you always carrying around with you?
Day 189: List everything you like about yourself, and explain why. What makes you unique?
Day 190: Put your iPod or mp3 player on shuffle and list the first ten songs/artists.
Day 191: Are you excited for anything right now?
Day 192: Summer or winter? Why?
Day 193: What are you doing for the next big holiday? (i.e. Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, Easter, Passover…)
Day 194: What did you do today?
Day 195: Have you ever had braces/will you ever need braces?
Day 196: What is one thing you regret doing?
Day 197: Do you have a set out path for your future yet?
Day 198: A picture taken over ten years ago
Day 199: What is the last book you read, why did you read it?
Day 200: Whatever suits your fancy. (A picture, random facts, what you did today, your plans for tomorrow)
Day 201: What are your plans for tomorrow?
Day 202: What did you do last Saturday?
Day 203: What is the last thing you had to save your money for?
Day 204: Do you have a job, if so, where?
Day 205: Do you believe in love at first sight? Why or why not?
Day 206: What’s your favourite band?
Day 207: Have you ever cried in a movie? Which?
Day 208: Tell us about your family.
Day 209: What do you remember most about last winter?
Day 210: In a nutshell, what is your daily routine?
Day 211: A picture of you and your best friend
Day 212: One person you know you can trust?
Day 213: The person closest to your heart. How do you know them?
Day 214: What are your feelings on gay marriage?
Day 215: A letter to your crush
Day 216: List of some of your favourite tumblers
Day 217: A letter to someone who you used to be close to
Day 218: A letter to someone you judged by first impression
Day 219: A talent you have
Day 220: A picture that makes you smile
Day 221: A photography picture taken by you.
Day 222: What are you craving right now?
Day 223: Bad habits of yours.
Day 224: A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 225: What is the most inspirational thing you have ever heard
Day 226: Next present holiday wish list
Day 227: A picture that can always make you smile
Day 228: List ten people you would die for
Day 229: Write a letter to the person you’re closest to
Day 230: What is your favourite memory from before the school age.
Day 231: What were your thoughts enter pre-school, kindergarten, middle school, and high school
Day 232: List the movies you’ll never get sick of watching
Day 233: What is the most quotable movie? List a few of your favourite quotes?
Day 234: Favourite song as a ten year old?
Day 235: If your six-year-old self looked at you now, what would their reaction be?
Day 236: What was your most memorable summer
Day 237: Who from full house do you relate to most?
Day 238: Who/what can’t you live without?
Day 239: Have you changed in the past 200 Days?
Day 240: What does your name mean acording to urban dictionary? Were you named after anyone in your family, or does your name mean something special to your parents?
Day 241: What name would your parents have named you if you were the opposite sex? Did they have a list of names for you?
Day 242: 10 most significant events in your life
Day 243: What is the last thing you baked?
Day 244: A picture taken recently
Day 245: What is the compliment you get most, what is the compliment you give most?
Day 246: What is your favourite city?
Day 247: Your opinion on drinking/drugs
Day 248: Who do you text most
Day 249: If you died tomorrow, would you want to tell anyone anything?
Day 250: Write a short love story.
Day 251: What inspires you to write?
Day 252: List five things that make you happy
Day 253: List five things that make you sad
Day 254: List your five favourite foods
Day 255: List your five favourite drinks
Day 256: List five things you want to say to ten different people at this moment
Day 257: List five good things about your life
Day 258: List five bad things about your life
Day 259: List your family members and how they help you daily
Day 260: List your five favourite songs
Day 261: List what you did/plan to do today
Day 262: List your favourite stores
Day 263: List how you did your make up today
Day 264: How are you wearing your hair
Day 265: Post a picture of your outfit, or explain it
Day 266: An old song you still like
Day 267: When you’ve had a terrible day, how do you deal with it?
Day 268: An overused saying.
Day 269: How are you similar to and different from the majority of Tumblr users?
Day 270: What would your dream house/apartment/castle/tree house/loft/bungalow/etc. look like?
Day 271: Who makes you happier than anyone else?
Day 272: What was the worst thing to happen to you in middle school?
Day 273: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day 274: Six things you love
Day 275: Five songs you like.
Day 276: Four things you wish you could say, but might never.
Day 277: Three things you miss
Day 278: Two things you want.
Day 279: One story of a memory you have.
Day 280: What was the last movie you watched, write about it
Day 281: Someone you would switch lives with for a day and why
Day 282: If you were stranded on an Island, who would be with you and which limited 10 items would you two have?
Day 283: Describe your perfect date
Day 284: Write the differences between you and your best friend
Day 285: What got you into this challenge?
Day 286: A picture of what you wore today
Day 287: A silly picture of you/ you & your friends
Day 288: Last post you made on Tumblr that doesn’t involve a challenge?
Day 289: Write a letter to your followers
Day 290: A video you would usually watch on YouTube
Day 291: What did you eat today?
Day 292: Recommend a few Tumblrs and write why you recommended them.
Day 293: When you look outside step outside your front door of the house, what do you see?
Day 294: Something that inspires you
Day 295: Things you’re looking forward to next week/month
Day 296: Create a collage of your pictures you take in 1 Day and post them up.
Day 297: When did you start wearing makeup?
Day 298: Do you like to dress up or dress down for school
Day 299: A picture of someone you miss
Day 300: A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 301: Who is your favourite actor/actress and why?
Day 302: A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 303: Last time you were sick, what did you have?
Day 304: What is your favourite kind of soup?
Day 305: Which grade was your favourite? Why?
Day 306: What are the most distinct memories from preschool age and younger?
Day 307: What are the memories you have when you think of kindergarten?
Day 308: Write 5 things that sum you up. Include a picture with 1 or more of these things.
Day 309: Write about your crush. Write anything: if you’re friends, don’t talk, it’s going great or it’s complicated.
Day 310: What’s the meaning behind your URL? Why did you make a Tumblr?
Day 311: Is there drama in your life just now with friends and/or family? Write about it.
Day 312: What are you grateful for?
Day 313: Write about how you do your makeup/hair. Why do you do it that way?
Day 314: Write about your ideal partner in detail. Does your crush match the criteria? If no, talk about that.
Day 315: What is your definition of the word hate? Talk about 3 things you hate.
Day 316: What is your definition of the word love? Talk about 3 things you love.
Day 317: Your fears?
Day 318: Are you happy with how you look?
Day 319: If you could, would you rather live in the early 1900’s?
Day 320: Favourite book. Explain why you like it
Day 321: Worst book you have read. Explain why it is the worst
Day 322: A book you are willing to read, why
Day 323: Your favourite quote of any of the books you have read
Day 324: Which book you want-need to be made into a movie?
Day 325: Favourite character of any book.
Day 326: Have you read HP? Did you like it? Yes no why?
Day 327: Have you read the twilight saga? Did you like it? Yes, no why?
Day 328: A book you recommend? Why?
Day 329: Ten Things that make you angry
Day 330: Ten things that make you happy
Day 331: Your favourite music
Day 332: Your favourite movies
Day 333: Where you want to be in ten years
Day 334: What you want from a relationship
Day 335: Which fictional character are you most like?
Day 336: Describe the worst day of your life
Day 337: Describe the best day of your life
Day 338: Your opinion on gay marriage
Day 339: Five positive traits you have
Day 340: Five negative traits you have
Day 341: Your views on religion
Day 342: Describe your relationship status
Day 343: What is the most inspirational thing you’ve ever heard
Day 344: The last person you texted— how do you know them?
Day 345: Post a picture of yourself today
Day 346: What are your favourite types of shoes? Why?
Day 347: Are you getting bored of this challenge?
Day 348: What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done lately?
Day 349: What’s the way to win your heart?
Day 350: Do you have any hard, life-changing choices to make, anytime soon?
Day 351: Are you addicted to Facebook?
Day 352: Do you know anyone with an outie belly button? Who?
Day 353: What quote do you live by?
Day 354: Last time you cried, why was it?
Day 355: Honestly, do you know all the words to your countries national anthem?
Day 356: What is your dream job?
Day 357: As a kid did you want to be a ninja turtle and/or power ranger? Which colour?
Day 358: Are you as addicted to tumblr as you were a year ago?
Day 359: Describe what you normally do on a weekly basis. A little bit about your social life outside of the internet.
Day 360: A picture of what you wore today
Day 361: If you won the lottery, honestly, how would you spend the money?
Day 362: What is the biggest lie you’ve ever told. Why’d you tell it?
Day 363: Do you know what your first post on tumblr was?
Day 364: Have you changed much in the past year?
Day 365: Look back to your first post of this challenge, asking ‘Post a picture of yourself and tell us your hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 Days’ did you achieve any of these goals? And post a picture.

Figured I might start this. Can't promise I'll finish it or even that I'll be around to finish it - but I might try.

The smell after rain during a hot summer night, the smell of a room that had the door open through it... I don't think I'll get to experience that again any time soon. It's one of the things I will genuinely miss about this apartment itself.

This was home, if only for a while. More real than the previous. Even though no one intended to stay here any more than there.
-24.6.

---

>flip on light to sauna instead of bathroom
>realise switches were the other way around here
>sink into pit of pointless 'I'm tired and nothing is the same'

Operation 'move out of apartment' parts A ('move everything to Lehmo; get a decent workout, forget to eat, lug box after box into old room and crack your back') and B ('clean house for six hours; spray self and surroundings with various chemicals, wear out muscles and joints') done. Now to launch part C: 'play Assassin's Creed for 20 hours straight in boxers and long socks to avoid emotional breakdown', though it might get delayed by unnamed part 'oops; sit here until feet stop hurting, see if feel like snacks yet'.

That would only leave part D: 're-arrange all your belongings until you have a livable space in, around and on top of actual room and furniture' which I already began by piling every errant object by category and  shuffling books around until a shelf was empty.

Since I went to the store and dad has been amazing, I have almost enough cider (this one tastes like a soda I haven't had in years, wow) and wine (all new types) to be various degrees of drunk for a week, which... was the plan anyway. This'll be interesting.

If all goes well I'll be traveling around the country this month. Grandparents, Animecon and Ruu - not sure in which order exactly. I still need to get my driver's licence for the motorcycle as well. Although focusing on all that might prove slightly difficult as I have access to console games (and Sims) for the first time in months, not to mention Dangan Ronpa and all the anime and western tv-series I have to watch. Starting with Orphan Black and Utena.

after a brief google session, I see I need to read the manga

Plus I still have Issues I can't seem to bring up to anyone that could actually make them go away (or at least demote to just regular issues), so I'm stuck with that for... an indefinite amount of time. Seems I've had to scrap at least one plan already, due to... curiosity? Lack of planning?

Well. Let's see how this goes.

Etcetera

Sometimes I want to post casually suicidal thoughts on my tumblr... but then I remember it's followed by 17-year-olds I barely know from school. "I'm sick of it, I'm sick of feeling like shit, I want to die. Let me die. I don't want to do this anymore."

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I'm up at 1:30, exhausted and in pain - I have an exam tomorrow, and the day after, and maybe even the day after that if things don't work out well. It's not unusual, I do have trouble sleeping. But it seems I also have recurring nightmares, now. One is... common, persistent. 

I dream I can't wake up - not that I'm going to 'sleep forever' and forget everything, that's not as horrifying - I keep snapping awake in my own bed with the room as I left it, and each time I realise it was just a dream. I stay 'awake' only for a moment and spend the majority of that time wondering if I'm actually awake this time. It starts out mildly annoying, just... not being able to get up as fast as I'd like. Normal, kind of - I'm sure a lot of people have had that dream in which they get ready for school or work only to discover they're still lying in bed. For the most part, it's only a minute or two of instant failure, but sometimes I get as far as the door. Sometimes, I get up only to get paralysed and fall to the floor. Sometimes, I hear people outside. It gets worse, though.

It does. After a certain point, just I start trying to scream every time I seem to wake up - I never manage, I don't think there's any reaction in real life, but even in the dream it fails. I just wake up the next time, thinking the scream must have been too late, must have stayed in the dream world, didn't carry over. I try again, and again, and again - it's like feverish delusions, if you've ever had those. Eventually, I might see someone at the door. I might be able to beg for help, tell them I can't move, I can't keep my eyes open, help me, take me away, but they always turn out to be just another dream. Sometimes they even get close to me - reach out, speak, anything - but it never stays that way.

When I finally wake up from these it's a relief and a fright at the same time. I need to check and re-check reality, I need to get up, I can't lie still, hard as it might be to do anything more complex than breathing. It's either suffering through the day somehow or potentially falling back to that. It's not even tempting, really - it's not the kind of dream that excludes depression. All of it goes with me. Often it's what makes me realise the more successful fake wakings are exactly that: fake.

Once, I 'woke up' because I realised the person trying to help me was too kind, too loving. It just couldn't be true. It couldn't be them.

I offended them in the dream by voicing that thought - not that it mattered: that was the moment I sank back.

---

So. I'll be moving a lot this summer. Most likely back to my parents' house for July, then alone to some temporary apartment/room in August and again to a (hopefully) more permanent one in September. I'm hoping I won't have to look alone, finding a place to live is a nightmare here in autumn. Too many new students flowing in.

Regarding medication, to have some connection to previous posts: they had me on Lamictal for a while, but it didn't seem to do anything at 100mg - the doctor wants me to keep trying, but well, it's expensive and usually ineffective alone, which would mean more costs. Going back on it is still a possibility, if KELA cooperates. I don't think I have time to figure that out right now, though, and I won't be seeing another doctor until August. At best.

More med-blogging

So. Voxra (at 300 mg) may have given me some energy - or I don't know, lack of complete and utter tiredness? However, it's not worth the side effects.

The bad taste hasn't disappeared, and I doubt it ever would have and just about everything is worse now. Depression and suicidality are now accompanied by an irritated sense of nothingness; 'nothing' mattered before, but now it feels like that is also the objective truth. That it doesn't matter, I don't matter and thus, it's all pointless.

I mentioned the heightened anxiety before - well, that got worse. In every aspect, social and otherwise. I flinch at the strangest things; I nearly gave myself a heart attack when I went into the hallway and saw the lights were on, I froze on the spot when I heard a noise... which turned out to be my pant legs. When my hair shifted on my neck I thought I might die.

I've just been jumpy as hell in general. I'm currently alone in the apartment and I have no idea when either flatmate might be back from wherever they've been for the holiday. I'm sort of dreading it already. Every time I hear someone taking the stairs, I freeze and listen until I hear a door open somewhere else.  I nearly dropped my mouse when someone decided to deliver pamphlets at two in the morning.

I've also been reading every other word wrong today, for whatever reason.

Anyway - I have permission to lower my dose and start up the next one. That would be Lamictal. The doctor suggested I keep up Voxra for a while longer, but... no. It's the worst medication I've had to experience so far.

Considering recent changes...

"Bupropion is an atypical antidepressant and smoking cessation aid. The drug is a mild psychostimulant. Its primary pharmacological action is thought to be norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibition. It binds selectively to the dopamine transporter, but its behavioural effects have often been attributed to its inhibition of norepinephrine reuptake."

I've been on Voxra for a while now, a little over a month at this dosage. I'm still not sure what it's doing. I did get awful side effects; first headaches, fatigue, aching muscles and joints, dizziness, loss of appetite and taste, crying a little for no reason, being more prone to crying in general. Most seemed to settle pretty soon. When I upped the dose I got another batch of them: more nausea, a weird taste in my mouth, worse dizziness, aches, loss of balance, fever, blushing and generally feeling like shit. That went on for a week or so, I was close to quitting this and asking for an alternative. They passed too, eventually.

I still blush for no apparent reason sometimes and might not notice it. I still get a bad taste in my mouth. I still tear up randomly. My back is stiff and achy, but hasn't that been the case long before this medication? Falling asleep is difficult and my sleeping patterns are irregular, but wasn't that even worse at some point? I'm still suicidal and self-destructive, but that certainly was true before.

A lot of the new developments could be caused by Voxra, something new I've done, a new habit or possibly, a mix of them - it's incredibly difficult to pinpoint any one effect and connect it to the right cause.

I 'stopped thinking' for a while before the matriculation exams (ended 20.3.) and focused solely on them. Of course, a stray thought leaked through every now and then, but I did well for, you know, a human being. That was not the issue itself: I started getting impulsive destructive urges more frequently, instead of the calm plans and lethargic self-hate. Wanting to smash things (mirrors), jump off high buildings, stab myself repeatedly or break bones. In addition to that, I got irritated, even angry, easier than I used to - for lesser causes, at people I don't even dislike. It's still going on, mixed with social anxiety, the resulting self-blame and aggressive depression. Volatile sadness? Gee.

I think this was mostly due to the restricted thinking, but the medication could have helped it along. Or maybe it was a 50/50 combination, who knows.

On the other hand, I've noticed sudden, non-permanent changes in my reactions to some things. When I look at a photo taken from up high, I almost feel the thrill and distance the photographer could have felt and seen. I've never been afraid of heights before. I still don't think I am. I haven't been afraid of anything tangible since... childhood, I suppose. Yet now I might sometimes feel unsafe in darkness, or get sudden flashes of what could jump out to scare me. They're not pretty. It didn't even happen to this degree when I was six, it's new to me.

I'm not sure what to think about that. Is it just me being normalised slowly, to match most other humans? Is it anxiety, panic disorder? Paranoia, linked to what? Psychosis, derealisation? There aren't many sources of knowledge of Voxra specifically, as it's only distributed here. It's hard to check if anyone 'started to fear' or 'got jumpy' as it is. I suppose Wellbutrin might be close enough, being the best known form of the drug makes it the easiest to research.

The hopelessness... hasn't gone anywhere, I don't currently feel the severity of it has changed, but who knows. I'm still exhausted, I'm still depressed, I still mull over things and lack motivation. The social anxiety and 'paranoia' are as strong as ever. I'm not sure if there's been any change, but if there was, it'd be summed up by 'jittery'.

As for the intended effects? Higher functionality? I can't say. I wasn't at my absolute lowest when I started taking this, so there's no sure way to tell if it's had an impact. At least it hasn't made the lethargy worse, but I suppose the overactive thoughts and violent surges of destructive thinking make up for that little slip.

Blogging woes of 2013

I'm almost tempted to start using this more often again - but that might mean people seeing my older posts. Which are fine. But old. Different. And I don't want to erase or hide them.

Nor do I want to make another blog.

Would I even have anything to say? Anything I didn't mind everyone seeing? I don't need to hide anything, but so much of it could be taken wrong without context. Context being everything ever.

Oh, hello.

I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that yes; it's quite relaxing to have a blog (virtually) no one knows about. Even if that means I almost never do anything with it. At least there aren't dozens of people who'll have the direct link right in front of them and not click it. (Yes, that's tumblr.) Basically, I can't expect people to read it, thus no false hope, or completely unsurprised disappointment.

I decided to follow someone's example and go wading through And That's Who I Am. Here's part of the collection I saved as applicable:

bonus iffy section: