I decided to follow someone's example and go wading through And That's Who I Am. Here's part of the collection I saved as applicable:
bonus iffy section:
27 February 2013
Oh, hello.
I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that yes; it's quite relaxing to have a blog (virtually) no one knows about. Even if that means I almost never do anything with it. At least there aren't dozens of people who'll have the direct link right in front of them and not click it. (Yes, that's tumblr.) Basically, I can't expect people to read it, thus no false hope, or completely unsurprised disappointment.
I decided to follow someone's example and go wading through And That's Who I Am. Here's part of the collection I saved as applicable:
I decided to follow someone's example and go wading through And That's Who I Am. Here's part of the collection I saved as applicable:
14 September 2012
Guys, I actually moved out.
I may have kind of promised to post something like this, so here we go.
Sorry for the total radio silence - a lot has happened, so much that I won't even try to get into it all. But hey, I moved! I figured posting pictures from my own room only would be fine with the roommates (2).
Sorry for the total radio silence - a lot has happened, so much that I won't even try to get into it all. But hey, I moved! I figured posting pictures from my own room only would be fine with the roommates (2).
... Those shelves aren't supposed to stay all that cluttered. I need to figure out where to put the excess.
Not there, apparently...
... It's tough being a cosplayer.
But hey, a wardrobe! An actual wardrobe! It's so... practical. Also yay for the mirror. Never had one like that before.
Aaaad a bonus shitty view of my (yes, really, what) balcony. We're on the top floor, but then, in Finland that doesn't mean much.
12 November 2010
10 Day Challenge
Seems like I'm still unable to come up with enough "real stuff" for a proper entry. The last one was torture, I wonder if I'll survive this one. >__>
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession
Day One: (Sorry, I don't know that many people I have something to say to. Thus, doubles.)
1. I say a lot of really stupid stuff. Freaky. Clumsy. Now more so than I used to (I don't know if it's my built-in filters overheating with all the crap they have to go through or me being less scared stiff... I'm guessing the first). I'm so glad you don't hate me for them all... Yet? OTL;;;
2. I guess I really haven't changed enough to be able to. But frankly... that's one of my tinier worries. It's just a part of me now. Something that would need to be changed if I had any "expectations". But, uh. I kinda don't.
3. Which brings me back to this. I think I lost a chance. Again. And I'm going to lose another one any time now. Still, what with me being like this... yeah. Too early for you.
4. I wonder if I could talk to you about that one thing? You know nothing while she knows everything about it. Until "now", that is. Would it be less awkward..? Oh. Right. Of course. I might try. But... it's really no big deal. Unless you ask why I tried to bring it up in the first place.
5. I'm stuck with the reply. Again. ;_________; Ugh, I'm such a loser.
6. Well... you're not even a person, are you? In any case. I would have liked to see you that one last time. I thought about you then, you know. I'll miss you, but... I know you needed to go.
7. It's not that I want anyone, even you, to be here instead of me being there, but I just noticed my bed is wide enough for comfortable cuddling. I promise I wouldn't fall off and get hurt. .w.;
8. I'd still like to ask you why. It wouldn't be a long conversation, I wouldn't cry or get mad. I just want to know.
9. I'm not afraid we might drift apart. I know we will. It makes me a little sad... But, just so you remember, I'll always be here for you. ♥
10. I hope you didn't think I was doing it just to be rude. ._____. I don't know you, you don't know me, but I don't like being mean to people who've never done anything wrong. I'm sorry I'm such a failure.
Day Two: (... I could swear I didn't see this before.)
1. For some reason, I've become almost unable to write. I'm not sure what to call it. Whenever I need to write something bigger for school, I clamp down, stop functioning, my head goes blank, my stomach knots, I break out in cold sweat, start shaking and really feel like crying. I guess the word is "afraid". Truth is, even this is making me feel all sick and shaky. Writing anything at all takes a lot of energy.
2. I like watching people. Especially people close to me, but uh, I just like seeing how everyone expresses themselves differently. I might stare at people too much, especially since I tend to observe their eyes most of all.
3. I'm afraid I'm just repeating old information again.
4. I'm almost hoping no one reads this. =____=
5. I think a lot. I don't know if it's possible to think "too much", but if it is, that's what I do. I almost get lost in my thoughts, they cause physical reactions, drain my strength, are easy to ignite and never just stop on their own. If it keeps me from functioning properly... yeah. Could be too much.
6. I have so much love in me I don't know what to do with it. Being the awkward failure I am, I can only hope it reaches you somehow. I don't know if it shows enough without trying. I mean, if I accidentally? lock up all my other emotions, how can I know I don't cover that up as well? What's more, maybe this isn't normal, what if it's something that would scare you away?
7. I think I should mix some lighter stuff in these, but I'm not sure how. Happens every time.
8. Pretty much none of these are what I wrote at first anymore. ;;
9. I just wrote an essay, a comment and this. My head hurts. *looks up* I suppose it's no wonder my thoughts don't exactly co-operate.
Day Three: (Maybe I should start checking these before latching on.)
... That's stupid. There are no ways. Besides, why would anyone want to do that?
If you're just simply yourself and I happen to fall for you, well... then it happens. I honestly believe there's no "way" to make me feel something I wouldn't just by being with you and getting to know you. Which, generally, doesn't happen if you can't accept me as I am, but still. You can't make yourself do that either.
Day Four:
1. -censored for negative content-
2. I love you.
3. Oh god, not again.
4. X''3 Geez, adorable much? ♥
5. Shit. I'm starting to forget again.
6. I fail.
7. So much to do. Stop overheating, I need my brain!
Day Five
I don't know if there are any. If I avoid taking action, there's nothing to regret, right..? Except, you know. "What if I'd said/done/told them something?" But. Uh. At the same time I know I couldn't have. And now, the past can't be changed no matter how much we wish.
... though I'm not sure I do even that much.
Days Six to Ten
That's it. I'm sorry, but I can't finish this.
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession
Day One: (Sorry, I don't know that many people I have something to say to. Thus, doubles.)
1. I say a lot of really stupid stuff. Freaky. Clumsy. Now more so than I used to (I don't know if it's my built-in filters overheating with all the crap they have to go through or me being less scared stiff... I'm guessing the first). I'm so glad you don't hate me for them all... Yet? OTL;;;
2. I guess I really haven't changed enough to be able to. But frankly... that's one of my tinier worries. It's just a part of me now. Something that would need to be changed if I had any "expectations". But, uh. I kinda don't.
3. Which brings me back to this. I think I lost a chance. Again. And I'm going to lose another one any time now. Still, what with me being like this... yeah. Too early for you.
4. I wonder if I could talk to you about that one thing? You know nothing while she knows everything about it. Until "now", that is. Would it be less awkward..? Oh. Right. Of course. I might try. But... it's really no big deal. Unless you ask why I tried to bring it up in the first place.
5. I'm stuck with the reply. Again. ;_________; Ugh, I'm such a loser.
6. Well... you're not even a person, are you? In any case. I would have liked to see you that one last time. I thought about you then, you know. I'll miss you, but... I know you needed to go.
7. It's not that I want anyone, even you, to be here instead of me being there, but I just noticed my bed is wide enough for comfortable cuddling. I promise I wouldn't fall off and get hurt. .w.;
8. I'd still like to ask you why. It wouldn't be a long conversation, I wouldn't cry or get mad. I just want to know.
9. I'm not afraid we might drift apart. I know we will. It makes me a little sad... But, just so you remember, I'll always be here for you. ♥
10. I hope you didn't think I was doing it just to be rude. ._____. I don't know you, you don't know me, but I don't like being mean to people who've never done anything wrong. I'm sorry I'm such a failure.
Day Two: (... I could swear I didn't see this before.)
1. For some reason, I've become almost unable to write. I'm not sure what to call it. Whenever I need to write something bigger for school, I clamp down, stop functioning, my head goes blank, my stomach knots, I break out in cold sweat, start shaking and really feel like crying. I guess the word is "afraid". Truth is, even this is making me feel all sick and shaky. Writing anything at all takes a lot of energy.
2. I like watching people. Especially people close to me, but uh, I just like seeing how everyone expresses themselves differently. I might stare at people too much, especially since I tend to observe their eyes most of all.
3. I'm afraid I'm just repeating old information again.
4. I'm almost hoping no one reads this. =____=
5. I think a lot. I don't know if it's possible to think "too much", but if it is, that's what I do. I almost get lost in my thoughts, they cause physical reactions, drain my strength, are easy to ignite and never just stop on their own. If it keeps me from functioning properly... yeah. Could be too much.
6. I have so much love in me I don't know what to do with it. Being the awkward failure I am, I can only hope it reaches you somehow. I don't know if it shows enough without trying. I mean, if I accidentally? lock up all my other emotions, how can I know I don't cover that up as well? What's more, maybe this isn't normal, what if it's something that would scare you away?
7. I think I should mix some lighter stuff in these, but I'm not sure how. Happens every time.
8. Pretty much none of these are what I wrote at first anymore. ;;
9. I just wrote an essay, a comment and this. My head hurts. *looks up* I suppose it's no wonder my thoughts don't exactly co-operate.
Day Three: (Maybe I should start checking these before latching on.)
... That's stupid. There are no ways. Besides, why would anyone want to do that?
If you're just simply yourself and I happen to fall for you, well... then it happens. I honestly believe there's no "way" to make me feel something I wouldn't just by being with you and getting to know you. Which, generally, doesn't happen if you can't accept me as I am, but still. You can't make yourself do that either.
Day Four:
1. -censored for negative content-
2. I love you.
3. Oh god, not again.
4. X''3 Geez, adorable much? ♥
5. Shit. I'm starting to forget again.
6. I fail.
7. So much to do. Stop overheating, I need my brain!
Day Five
I don't know if there are any. If I avoid taking action, there's nothing to regret, right..? Except, you know. "What if I'd said/done/told them something?" But. Uh. At the same time I know I couldn't have. And now, the past can't be changed no matter how much we wish.
... though I'm not sure I do even that much.
Days Six to Ten
That's it. I'm sorry, but I can't finish this.
13 September 2010
Letter meme
Something I picked up to force mself to write without overthinking and locking up every time. I'm not even kidding; last time I had to write something for school I cried. In class.
I still feel the need to make my excuses, so here: I really try not to stop and look at these too often, so they're not very good. Etc.
Day 1 - your best friend
Day 2 - your crush.
Day 3 - your parents.
Day 4 - your sibling.
Day 5 - your dreams.
Day 6 - a stranger.
Day 7 - your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.
Day 8 - your favourite internet friend.
Day 9 - someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10 - someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to.
Day 11 - a deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 - the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
Day 13 - someone you wish could forgive you.
Day 14 - someone you’ve drifted away from.
Day 15 - the person you miss the most.
Day 16 - someone that’s not in your state/country.
Day 17 - someone from your childhood.
Day 18 - the person that you wish you could be.
Day 19 - someone that pesters your mind—good or bad.
Day 20 - the one that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 - someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 - someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 - the last person you kissed.
Day 24 - the person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25 - the person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 - the last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27 - the friendliest person you knew for only one day.
Day 28 - someone that changed your life.
Day 29 - the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to.
Day 30 - your reflection in the mirror.
27.8.2010->
Day 1
... First, there's something I want you to know; I haven't called anyone that since. You'll always be my first and best friend. I love you.
I'm so, so sorry; I couldn't regret that choice, never wanted to make it, but given the chance, I'd make it again. I'm not even sure I could deal with it all any better. I never wanted to hurt you. I still feel awful about it, even though I have no idea how you think of me, or if you do at all. I don't even know if you blamed me, but I do.
It is a big deal for me, I'm sorry, but this is just how I am.
Day 2
I don't like the word. Well, not in anything related to my feelings at least. I've never 'had a crush on' anyone.
Day 3
I'm pretty sure you had less influence on how I turned out than you'd like to think. Also more than I would, but hey, that's life.
You're "ok". Accepting enough, open minded compared to some and have your good sides. Makes me feel a bit guilty about not appreciating you more. Still... just a bit. You're not the kind of people I would've gotten to know on my own terms, and I see no point in loving you 'just because'. Not that I hate you either.
Well, not all the time.
Day 4
Go die in a ditch. You're disgusting.
Unfortunately, the people that 'look after me' still love you.
You're getting worse by the day, and I don't even fight with you anymore. You're just a waste of space, and having to live in the same house makes me sick to my stomach.
Day 5
'Dreams', as in 'important wishes'? I haven't had any in ages.
Day 6
Any specific stranger or just any stranger? Oh dear. This isn't easy. I wish I could just make my brain shut down for a moment and write.
Dear stranger... since I don't know anything about you, there isn't much I can say without feeling like a hypocrite or a walking cliche. But there is one thing: I hope you're not afraid to be yourself. I hope you don't live in an area that would make you afraid. That you don't have to feel the need to be. I wish you can be yourself without fearing for your life. I won't say 'I hope you are yourself no matter the cost'. Only that you will when offered the chance.
I hope you don't get stuck on things like norms in your life, but can and will choose freely.
Stay strong.
Day 7
... Ehh. I already told you I don't have any 'crushes'. Also, true love is never compeletely in the past and....
Aw, heck. No worming out of this one.
I don't think you're lying when you say it wasn't my fault. But you have to admit, I wasn't the best you could've had. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, to feel, how to keep up... I always felt I was lacking. I was so, so happy to be with you, but I never thought I was good enough. I always believed my love would last forever, but I didn't think the relationship would. I know it wouldn't have made a difference, but I can't help thinking I could've done better if I'd thought otherwise from the beginning.
I just never could trust myself. I'm sorry.
... no, wait. I really wasn't supposed to say that. You know you're important to me. Don't worry about it, ok? I don't blame you for anything. I don't blame myself either. I'm not bitter or anything like that, see, I just say it too often.
So thank you. ♥
Day 8
I can't choose a 'favourite' friend. I wouldn't even want to. So this goes to someone I don't even talk to anymore.
You're such a sweet girl. Not that I know much about the current you, but I doubt you could've changed that much in these years. We used to write such long messages. Then something happened; you had to go, I left and couldn't come back.
I later found you again on dA. I never told you it was me. I checked back every now and then to see how you were doing. I'm sure you don't even remember I existed. That's okay.
I'm so proud of you. You really know how to draw. You got over your dark times and got yourself a boyfriend. I'm glad to see you're doing so well.
Best of luck from now on.
Day 9
I'm guessing this means 'someone you aren't likely to meet', eh.
You're... the exception.
I don't usually care much for actors. Heck, I can't even tell most guys your age apart. I admit your role had a lot to do with me noticing you, but it wasn't why I remebered you. It was your talent, your acting and most of all your eyes. You can't act that.
The look I'd only seen in the eyes of those truly devoted to martial arts and philosophy. I was more than just surprised. It left an impression and made me investigate.
I'm still not quite sure how you have it. However well it suited the character, I doubt I made it up. I would love to meet you. Ask you about your thoughts, see the little patterns of behaviour even interviews won't reveal.
Day 10
I'd talk to you all day, or night, if only I had the courage and the ability to believe.
Day 11
You created a whole world. You know that, of course. Even so, I doubt you know just how much it influenced ours or the ones others created after. I would love to tell you that, to see your reaction. I'm not sure I'd want to be the one to tell you the whole world was revealed, knowing it was unfinished... but I would, if that meant I could ask you all these questions. I would listen to you for days, months, however long it would take to get the whole picture. It's not like I'd ever use the knowledge for anything, but I wouldn't mind spending ages just listening.
I also want to know if you're like he describes you, if you have that something he failed to mention but many who spent as much time as you thinking have.
Maybe even what you'd think of me, but that's way beside the point.
Day 12
I bought my favourite candy today. I couldn't taste it.
I wonder.
Day 13
How old were you, exactly? You must have been at least five years older that me. How did you even put up with a kid like me? I mean, it was ages ago, five years doesn't sound like much now.
I always had trouble finding things to write, but I loved getting your letters. I'm not sure what happened, there's a slight chance my last letter was lost in the mail due to your moving, but... I did take awfully long to write it. I'm sorry.
I don't suppose I'll ever see you again.
Day 14
Hello. I hear you've been doing ok. School must be stressful with that kind of combination of hobbies and studies, but you've made progress. Sadly, I only know this because of facebook.
We had so much in common. I was amazed; who would've thought? I knew there was something, I'm sorry, but catching your attention like that was all planned out. ^^; If it hadn't worked, we wouldn't have had any base to build on.
But it did.
We belonged to the same group, the same family - but I always felt like I didn't. I was a part of it, but not a necessary one. Not needed, not worth it... not to mention how afraid I was of getting too close to yet another person. One I knew I couldn't give my everything to.
I feel bad. I think I'm to blame for the drifting apart. If not me directly, then at least the depression and being (terrified of being) such a failure.
I really am sorry, but at least I know you have made a place for yourself.
Day 15
I can't name one person I miss "the most" - it's a whole different feeling for each and every one of you. If it's just "one you miss and is the hardest to reach", well, you should know who you are.
I wish there was something I could do about all this.
Day 16
It's been a while since we met. I saw a photo of you recently... what happened? o_____o; You've grown so much. It hasn't really been that long since we met, has it? Wow.
Day 17
... I wonder if you still drink that much coffee.
Day 18
Having only this to work with... I think I want to be a chameleon. I doubt that's possible, or even counts as a person.
Day 19
I think about you too much. Too many things make me think about you. I wish you could let me know what you thought, if not what you think now.
Day 21
"You smell bad." That's as far as my judging ever goes. Even that is something I noticed, not something I made up. I only came to dislike you after spending too much time in the same environment.
Day 22
I don't think you know I noticed. It was a surprise, but it didn't feel all that bad then. I wonder what you were thinking then. Why the panic?
Day 27
I don't think I could rank any of the people I've only known for one day. So, as usual, I'll write to whoever I happen to think of first.
I have no idea who you are. Part of a group? I never saw the other members, though. I just remember the bright kigurumi... seriously, almost blindingly... orange.
You were one of the people who helped me realise how much I can change while in cosplay. Also, one of the people who made me enjoy the convention, and role, as much as I did.
Now I get to say this again: thank you so much~ ♥
Day 28
I suppose this should go to all of you. Everyone I meet, and so think of, changes my life. Remove any person from my history, and I stop being 'me'. Even if just a little.
Day 29
I would tell you anything.
... if only you asked. And found the right questions to ask first. I'm sorry, I know it's cheating, I just... couldn't do it on my own. I 'd feel too out of place.
No matter the time, apparently.
But I would be 100% honest with you. I promise.
Day 30
I wish you'd disappear. Or come over to this side. But that wouldn't be fair.
I still feel the need to make my excuses, so here: I really try not to stop and look at these too often, so they're not very good. Etc.
Day 1 - your best friend
Day 2 - your crush.
Day 3 - your parents.
Day 4 - your sibling.
Day 5 - your dreams.
Day 6 - a stranger.
Day 7 - your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.
Day 8 - your favourite internet friend.
Day 9 - someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10 - someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to.
Day 11 - a deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 - the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
Day 13 - someone you wish could forgive you.
Day 14 - someone you’ve drifted away from.
Day 15 - the person you miss the most.
Day 16 - someone that’s not in your state/country.
Day 17 - someone from your childhood.
Day 18 - the person that you wish you could be.
Day 19 - someone that pesters your mind—good or bad.
Day 20 - the one that broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 - someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 - someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 - the last person you kissed.
Day 24 - the person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25 - the person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 - the last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27 - the friendliest person you knew for only one day.
Day 28 - someone that changed your life.
Day 29 - the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to.
Day 30 - your reflection in the mirror.
27.8.2010->
Day 1
... First, there's something I want you to know; I haven't called anyone that since. You'll always be my first and best friend. I love you.
I'm so, so sorry; I couldn't regret that choice, never wanted to make it, but given the chance, I'd make it again. I'm not even sure I could deal with it all any better. I never wanted to hurt you. I still feel awful about it, even though I have no idea how you think of me, or if you do at all. I don't even know if you blamed me, but I do.
It is a big deal for me, I'm sorry, but this is just how I am.
Day 2
I don't like the word. Well, not in anything related to my feelings at least. I've never 'had a crush on' anyone.
Day 3
I'm pretty sure you had less influence on how I turned out than you'd like to think. Also more than I would, but hey, that's life.
You're "ok". Accepting enough, open minded compared to some and have your good sides. Makes me feel a bit guilty about not appreciating you more. Still... just a bit. You're not the kind of people I would've gotten to know on my own terms, and I see no point in loving you 'just because'. Not that I hate you either.
Well, not all the time.
Day 4
Go die in a ditch. You're disgusting.
Unfortunately, the people that 'look after me' still love you.
You're getting worse by the day, and I don't even fight with you anymore. You're just a waste of space, and having to live in the same house makes me sick to my stomach.
Day 5
'Dreams', as in 'important wishes'? I haven't had any in ages.
Day 6
Any specific stranger or just any stranger? Oh dear. This isn't easy. I wish I could just make my brain shut down for a moment and write.
Dear stranger... since I don't know anything about you, there isn't much I can say without feeling like a hypocrite or a walking cliche. But there is one thing: I hope you're not afraid to be yourself. I hope you don't live in an area that would make you afraid. That you don't have to feel the need to be. I wish you can be yourself without fearing for your life. I won't say 'I hope you are yourself no matter the cost'. Only that you will when offered the chance.
I hope you don't get stuck on things like norms in your life, but can and will choose freely.
Stay strong.
Day 7
... Ehh. I already told you I don't have any 'crushes'. Also, true love is never compeletely in the past and....
Aw, heck. No worming out of this one.
I don't think you're lying when you say it wasn't my fault. But you have to admit, I wasn't the best you could've had. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, to feel, how to keep up... I always felt I was lacking. I was so, so happy to be with you, but I never thought I was good enough. I always believed my love would last forever, but I didn't think the relationship would. I know it wouldn't have made a difference, but I can't help thinking I could've done better if I'd thought otherwise from the beginning.
I just never could trust myself. I'm sorry.
... no, wait. I really wasn't supposed to say that. You know you're important to me. Don't worry about it, ok? I don't blame you for anything. I don't blame myself either. I'm not bitter or anything like that, see, I just say it too often.
So thank you. ♥
Day 8
I can't choose a 'favourite' friend. I wouldn't even want to. So this goes to someone I don't even talk to anymore.
You're such a sweet girl. Not that I know much about the current you, but I doubt you could've changed that much in these years. We used to write such long messages. Then something happened; you had to go, I left and couldn't come back.
I later found you again on dA. I never told you it was me. I checked back every now and then to see how you were doing. I'm sure you don't even remember I existed. That's okay.
I'm so proud of you. You really know how to draw. You got over your dark times and got yourself a boyfriend. I'm glad to see you're doing so well.
Best of luck from now on.
Love,
Komori-chan
Komori-chan
Day 9
I'm guessing this means 'someone you aren't likely to meet', eh.
You're... the exception.
I don't usually care much for actors. Heck, I can't even tell most guys your age apart. I admit your role had a lot to do with me noticing you, but it wasn't why I remebered you. It was your talent, your acting and most of all your eyes. You can't act that.
The look I'd only seen in the eyes of those truly devoted to martial arts and philosophy. I was more than just surprised. It left an impression and made me investigate.
I'm still not quite sure how you have it. However well it suited the character, I doubt I made it up. I would love to meet you. Ask you about your thoughts, see the little patterns of behaviour even interviews won't reveal.
Day 10
I'd talk to you all day, or night, if only I had the courage and the ability to believe.
Day 11
You created a whole world. You know that, of course. Even so, I doubt you know just how much it influenced ours or the ones others created after. I would love to tell you that, to see your reaction. I'm not sure I'd want to be the one to tell you the whole world was revealed, knowing it was unfinished... but I would, if that meant I could ask you all these questions. I would listen to you for days, months, however long it would take to get the whole picture. It's not like I'd ever use the knowledge for anything, but I wouldn't mind spending ages just listening.
I also want to know if you're like he describes you, if you have that something he failed to mention but many who spent as much time as you thinking have.
Maybe even what you'd think of me, but that's way beside the point.
Day 12
I bought my favourite candy today. I couldn't taste it.
I wonder.
Day 13
How old were you, exactly? You must have been at least five years older that me. How did you even put up with a kid like me? I mean, it was ages ago, five years doesn't sound like much now.
I always had trouble finding things to write, but I loved getting your letters. I'm not sure what happened, there's a slight chance my last letter was lost in the mail due to your moving, but... I did take awfully long to write it. I'm sorry.
I don't suppose I'll ever see you again.
Day 14
Hello. I hear you've been doing ok. School must be stressful with that kind of combination of hobbies and studies, but you've made progress. Sadly, I only know this because of facebook.
We had so much in common. I was amazed; who would've thought? I knew there was something, I'm sorry, but catching your attention like that was all planned out. ^^; If it hadn't worked, we wouldn't have had any base to build on.
But it did.
We belonged to the same group, the same family - but I always felt like I didn't. I was a part of it, but not a necessary one. Not needed, not worth it... not to mention how afraid I was of getting too close to yet another person. One I knew I couldn't give my everything to.
I feel bad. I think I'm to blame for the drifting apart. If not me directly, then at least the depression and being (terrified of being) such a failure.
I really am sorry, but at least I know you have made a place for yourself.
Day 15
I can't name one person I miss "the most" - it's a whole different feeling for each and every one of you. If it's just "one you miss and is the hardest to reach", well, you should know who you are.
I wish there was something I could do about all this.
Day 16
It's been a while since we met. I saw a photo of you recently... what happened? o_____o; You've grown so much. It hasn't really been that long since we met, has it? Wow.
Day 17
... I wonder if you still drink that much coffee.
Day 18
Having only this to work with... I think I want to be a chameleon. I doubt that's possible, or even counts as a person.
Day 19
I think about you too much. Too many things make me think about you. I wish you could let me know what you thought, if not what you think now.
Day 21
"You smell bad." That's as far as my judging ever goes. Even that is something I noticed, not something I made up. I only came to dislike you after spending too much time in the same environment.
Day 22
I don't think you know I noticed. It was a surprise, but it didn't feel all that bad then. I wonder what you were thinking then. Why the panic?
Day 27
I don't think I could rank any of the people I've only known for one day. So, as usual, I'll write to whoever I happen to think of first.
I have no idea who you are. Part of a group? I never saw the other members, though. I just remember the bright kigurumi... seriously, almost blindingly... orange.
You were one of the people who helped me realise how much I can change while in cosplay. Also, one of the people who made me enjoy the convention, and role, as much as I did.
Now I get to say this again: thank you so much~ ♥
Day 28
I suppose this should go to all of you. Everyone I meet, and so think of, changes my life. Remove any person from my history, and I stop being 'me'. Even if just a little.
Day 29
I would tell you anything.
... if only you asked. And found the right questions to ask first. I'm sorry, I know it's cheating, I just... couldn't do it on my own. I 'd feel too out of place.
No matter the time, apparently.
But I would be 100% honest with you. I promise.
Day 30
I wish you'd disappear. Or come over to this side. But that wouldn't be fair.
5 September 2010
Summer - with Ruu II
Not the best time for me to be writing anything (I'm afraid of the possible undertone), but well, it'll be all over with this one. I also can't remember the exact order, so I'll have to list everything randomly.
I took a train from Ylivieska to Oulu. I barely made it in time; I had to wait in the line for way too long. For some reason, everyone had gathered to buy tickets for all their trips for the next month. And, of course, no one would give way to us even when they heard the announcement "-- train x now arriving on track 3 --". Panic wasn't far.
Then: "Train x is late." Phew. o___o I never thought I'd be this glad to hear that.
Otherwise, this last trip had a promising start. The train was fairly quiet, I had my MP3 with me and there was enough room for all of my stuff. I had a lot, even if I'd forgotten half of it back home. orz;; Ruu was at the station waiting for me. ♥ We walked and talked for a while, we even had time to stop by Fantasiapelit ( the artbooks... ;_____; ) on the way to her mom and the car.
Then. We went to the sea. More specifically, she drove us there on her scooter while I sat behind her. Barefoot. It was one of the first things we really did besides talking and watching music videos. You probably don't even know how much that meant to me, having so many of my favourite things rolled into one. I felt a bit guilty, though, I was sure she was awfully bored. But I'm glad I got to swim and see the boat, which really was impressive. Her dad did a fine job~
The dogs were cute too. Just like the grey little furball that tries to bark me up a tree whenever I dare set foot in the house. .__. Oh well, he hated me less this time.
We met up with my old neighbour as well. It's slowly becoming something of a tradition, going back... well, two visits after a particular conversation on messenger. x'3 We usually talk about 'girl stuff' - more than I do in any company. It's confusing, but extremely fun. I can't even explain it all, but for some reason, the two of them let me be another side of myself without making me forget who I am. Everything I do with them just somehow comes naturally to me, and we joke about things most wouldn't bother mentioning.
... not to mention they're two excellent examples of how I'm different from my friends. I don't think I'll ever forget the view in the ice cream café. XD ♥ I'm sorry, but you're adorable.
We stopped by Zeppelin one day. What were we looking for, exactly..? Or were we? I only remember I'd promised to go to an Arnolds café with her earlier. Other than that, we "shopped" for clothes and went around the bookstores. I found a sale... but ended up not buying them. How could I have carried all of them home, anyway? ;______;
Ahh. I still kind of wish I'd bought them.
If my memory isn't failing altogther, it was after this that we went to see Ruu's aunt. And uncle (he tried to trick me .__.). And cousin. And their dangerously hyperactive tiny dog, aww. XD Such a cute kid. We were only supposed to drop something off, but ended up staying for a bit, chatting with the cousin and eating ice cream. I think we also borrowed a movie. Oh, going fuzzy again. ,__,
We did watch a movie, at least. Later. At night. The Crow, something we'd been talking about before when Ruu showed me a picture of Gackt 'cosplaying' the main character. I loved the movie. I knew nothing of it before, as usual, and really enjoyed watching it.
At some point, we visited Oulu as well. I went to look for Tolkien's books (again) and some fabric destine needed for her next cosplay. I had no idea finding black fake fur was so... well, impossible. .__.;; I blame the season. Didn't find the books either, but I already knew to expect that. Other than those, we shopped for a while, bought candy, a milkshake and an ice-cream. Discussed weird things and read a book in a store. As usual. It was a fun day~
She even let me drive the scooter. *______* It gave another slight push to getting my license. For motorcycles, though, since I grew up with the one we have 'in the family' - meaning it belongs to my father and will go to me at some point. An older Suzuki Savage, from when bikes weren't all either plastic or ridiculously bulky.
I couldn't stay with her very long. Even if it wasn't rude to the rest of the family, I needed to get home before school started. So yes, unless I forgot something big, this marked the end of this summer. Back to the routine, then.
Even though I've had some extremely bad luck this year, I also got heaps of great memories. It's all thanks to you people. ♥
I took a train from Ylivieska to Oulu. I barely made it in time; I had to wait in the line for way too long. For some reason, everyone had gathered to buy tickets for all their trips for the next month. And, of course, no one would give way to us even when they heard the announcement "-- train x now arriving on track 3 --". Panic wasn't far.
Then: "Train x is late." Phew. o___o I never thought I'd be this glad to hear that.
Otherwise, this last trip had a promising start. The train was fairly quiet, I had my MP3 with me and there was enough room for all of my stuff. I had a lot, even if I'd forgotten half of it back home. orz;; Ruu was at the station waiting for me. ♥ We walked and talked for a while, we even had time to stop by Fantasiapelit ( the artbooks... ;_____; ) on the way to her mom and the car.
Then. We went to the sea. More specifically, she drove us there on her scooter while I sat behind her. Barefoot. It was one of the first things we really did besides talking and watching music videos. You probably don't even know how much that meant to me, having so many of my favourite things rolled into one. I felt a bit guilty, though, I was sure she was awfully bored. But I'm glad I got to swim and see the boat, which really was impressive. Her dad did a fine job~
The dogs were cute too. Just like the grey little furball that tries to bark me up a tree whenever I dare set foot in the house. .__. Oh well, he hated me less this time.We met up with my old neighbour as well. It's slowly becoming something of a tradition, going back... well, two visits after a particular conversation on messenger. x'3 We usually talk about 'girl stuff' - more than I do in any company. It's confusing, but extremely fun. I can't even explain it all, but for some reason, the two of them let me be another side of myself without making me forget who I am. Everything I do with them just somehow comes naturally to me, and we joke about things most wouldn't bother mentioning.
... not to mention they're two excellent examples of how I'm different from my friends. I don't think I'll ever forget the view in the ice cream café. XD ♥ I'm sorry, but you're adorable.
We stopped by Zeppelin one day. What were we looking for, exactly..? Or were we? I only remember I'd promised to go to an Arnolds café with her earlier. Other than that, we "shopped" for clothes and went around the bookstores. I found a sale... but ended up not buying them. How could I have carried all of them home, anyway? ;______;
Ahh. I still kind of wish I'd bought them.If my memory isn't failing altogther, it was after this that we went to see Ruu's aunt. And uncle (he tried to trick me .__.). And cousin. And their dangerously hyperactive tiny dog, aww. XD Such a cute kid. We were only supposed to drop something off, but ended up staying for a bit, chatting with the cousin and eating ice cream. I think we also borrowed a movie. Oh, going fuzzy again. ,__,
We did watch a movie, at least. Later. At night. The Crow, something we'd been talking about before when Ruu showed me a picture of Gackt 'cosplaying' the main character. I loved the movie. I knew nothing of it before, as usual, and really enjoyed watching it.
At some point, we visited Oulu as well. I went to look for Tolkien's books (again) and some fabric destine needed for her next cosplay. I had no idea finding black fake fur was so... well, impossible. .__.;; I blame the season. Didn't find the books either, but I already knew to expect that. Other than those, we shopped for a while, bought candy, a milkshake and an ice-cream. Discussed weird things and read a book in a store. As usual. It was a fun day~
She even let me drive the scooter. *______* It gave another slight push to getting my license. For motorcycles, though, since I grew up with the one we have 'in the family' - meaning it belongs to my father and will go to me at some point. An older Suzuki Savage, from when bikes weren't all either plastic or ridiculously bulky.
I couldn't stay with her very long. Even if it wasn't rude to the rest of the family, I needed to get home before school started. So yes, unless I forgot something big, this marked the end of this summer. Back to the routine, then.
Even though I've had some extremely bad luck this year, I also got heaps of great memories. It's all thanks to you people. ♥
4 September 2010
Summer - Ylivieska
Almost completely copy-pasta from a file saved just a little before I wrote the thing about the book fiasco.
I went to see my other grandmother right after the weekend. I squeezed into a car heading to the right direction. The three children in the backseat, including me, spent around 40 minutes watching Doctor Who on my laptop at the beginning. And, unfortunately, proved my fears of the battery slowly dying right. Poor little thing. ;__; Uh. Still, the parents seemed to appreciate me silencing the siblings as well. No, it's not that I was the oldest, brothers just don't usually survive closed spaces without some bristling.
We stopped by the Vaskikello restaurant after driving for a while. So many bells... o__o You'd think that's nothing special, at least I did, before a chance to see it. I'd never been particularly interested in the place before, and yeah, I was like a kid in a candy store. The bells on the outside were impressive, no doubt about it, but what I really fell in love with were the countless smaller bells inside the restaurant. Ceramic bells, golden and silver bells, tiny bells in clusters, bells made of glass (nice and sparkly)... I'm almost glad my camera was so low on battery, I wouldn't have been able to get out for hours.
Grandma put us to work the moment I arrived. I ended up helping my uncle and aunt trim the hedge... and getting eaten by bugs in the process. I have a solid line of red along my stomach, not to mention my poor legs... orz;; This is why being allergic to everything isn't fun. Turns out we had some medicine in the house at least, so I've been coping. I didn't get assaulted like that again. Seems like the mosquitoes live in the hedge and have, like us humans, deemed the weather too hot for longer trips. The flies don't seem to mind, though, and I'm just glad I have no need to mind them either. Lovely little things, not leaving itchy blobs everywhere.
So yes, the weather. It's been way hotter than usual this summer. I thought I smelled a storm the moment I got out of the car, but it didn't rain until late at night. Most of the time it's been hot, sunny and humid without any rain. This house is pretty unbelievable, though: We have it nice and cool in here. Of course, she doesn't mind the heat and works all the time. >___>
Then, one night... we had a real storm. I don't remember ever hearing thunder like that before. When I woke up, I thought for a moment we'd been hit... except I hadn't seen the flash, and when I counted from the next one to the following rumble I realized it wasn't even close. Not to mention the speed. It was far gone soon enough. I don't know wether to be relieved or disappointed.
Although it has been raining a little the past couple of days.
Regardless of the weather I've been swimming every day. And guess what? 8D I just learned to swim! By myself and all. Now I can swim more quietly. And I can do longer distances without stopping to float on the way. XD;
It's most likely because I had enough time to practise on my own that one morning. We went straight from the gym to the beach and surprise - no one else there at such an hour. I was very happy about it. Swam and floated around for over 30 minutes. Then I even got to do jumps for a while~
It's the night before my departure now. Oblivion just crashed on me for the first time. After finishing Suikoden, that's what I've been playing. My laptop just proved its worth all over again, you wouldn't believe how well it's been running. ♥ And oh, I just adore the game. And all the references.
Sure, it has clumsy bits, but. But. The views. I can't even limit it to 'graphics', it's amazing. I still remember that one sunrise... And I didn't even have any mods (but now I kinda want to). And and the weather changes. And months and even weekdays.
On a less "ohmygod it's so PRETTY" note: the saving system is really neat, the game has so much to research and playing in first person is easier than in other games.
I have to admit, I do get the occasional urge to pick up flowers while taking a walk. >__>; (By the time I wrote this, I'd been playing non-stop for a while.)
The next trip will be to Oulunsalo, the area I was born in. I can't exactly regret giving the ok to the move from there, but... I do miss the place. Maybe not all the people, but I got attached to the spot of land. And our house. I really miss it. The new one might be more practical, but it's not unique at all. I liked the old one and its oddities
Another thing I miss is the sea. Our family was never one for boats, nor did we go to a real beach often, but I could have gone to see the shores every day if I'd wanted to. It was so close. And the air; every area has its own smells for every season.
That's that, then. Not sure when this'll get posted and wether it will be together with the previous or next report, but... About time to get it wrapped up.
I went to see my other grandmother right after the weekend. I squeezed into a car heading to the right direction. The three children in the backseat, including me, spent around 40 minutes watching Doctor Who on my laptop at the beginning. And, unfortunately, proved my fears of the battery slowly dying right. Poor little thing. ;__; Uh. Still, the parents seemed to appreciate me silencing the siblings as well. No, it's not that I was the oldest, brothers just don't usually survive closed spaces without some bristling.
We stopped by the Vaskikello restaurant after driving for a while. So many bells... o__o You'd think that's nothing special, at least I did, before a chance to see it. I'd never been particularly interested in the place before, and yeah, I was like a kid in a candy store. The bells on the outside were impressive, no doubt about it, but what I really fell in love with were the countless smaller bells inside the restaurant. Ceramic bells, golden and silver bells, tiny bells in clusters, bells made of glass (nice and sparkly)... I'm almost glad my camera was so low on battery, I wouldn't have been able to get out for hours.
Grandma put us to work the moment I arrived. I ended up helping my uncle and aunt trim the hedge... and getting eaten by bugs in the process. I have a solid line of red along my stomach, not to mention my poor legs... orz;; This is why being allergic to everything isn't fun. Turns out we had some medicine in the house at least, so I've been coping. I didn't get assaulted like that again. Seems like the mosquitoes live in the hedge and have, like us humans, deemed the weather too hot for longer trips. The flies don't seem to mind, though, and I'm just glad I have no need to mind them either. Lovely little things, not leaving itchy blobs everywhere.
So yes, the weather. It's been way hotter than usual this summer. I thought I smelled a storm the moment I got out of the car, but it didn't rain until late at night. Most of the time it's been hot, sunny and humid without any rain. This house is pretty unbelievable, though: We have it nice and cool in here. Of course, she doesn't mind the heat and works all the time. >___>
Then, one night... we had a real storm. I don't remember ever hearing thunder like that before. When I woke up, I thought for a moment we'd been hit... except I hadn't seen the flash, and when I counted from the next one to the following rumble I realized it wasn't even close. Not to mention the speed. It was far gone soon enough. I don't know wether to be relieved or disappointed.
Although it has been raining a little the past couple of days.
Regardless of the weather I've been swimming every day. And guess what? 8D I just learned to swim! By myself and all. Now I can swim more quietly. And I can do longer distances without stopping to float on the way. XD;
It's most likely because I had enough time to practise on my own that one morning. We went straight from the gym to the beach and surprise - no one else there at such an hour. I was very happy about it. Swam and floated around for over 30 minutes. Then I even got to do jumps for a while~
It's the night before my departure now. Oblivion just crashed on me for the first time. After finishing Suikoden, that's what I've been playing. My laptop just proved its worth all over again, you wouldn't believe how well it's been running. ♥ And oh, I just adore the game. And all the references.
Sure, it has clumsy bits, but. But. The views. I can't even limit it to 'graphics', it's amazing. I still remember that one sunrise... And I didn't even have any mods (but now I kinda want to). And and the weather changes. And months and even weekdays.
On a less "ohmygod it's so PRETTY" note: the saving system is really neat, the game has so much to research and playing in first person is easier than in other games.
I have to admit, I do get the occasional urge to pick up flowers while taking a walk. >__>; (By the time I wrote this, I'd been playing non-stop for a while.)
The next trip will be to Oulunsalo, the area I was born in. I can't exactly regret giving the ok to the move from there, but... I do miss the place. Maybe not all the people, but I got attached to the spot of land. And our house. I really miss it. The new one might be more practical, but it's not unique at all. I liked the old one and its oddities
Another thing I miss is the sea. Our family was never one for boats, nor did we go to a real beach often, but I could have gone to see the shores every day if I'd wanted to. It was so close. And the air; every area has its own smells for every season.
That's that, then. Not sure when this'll get posted and wether it will be together with the previous or next report, but... About time to get it wrapped up.
2 September 2010
Summer - Pahkat
a.k.a. when I proved I can't do anything normally by finally managing to make a stone skim the surface neatly... the stone just happened to be a freaking brick.
So then, Pahkat. Or PAHKAT... pahkat? Umm. I don't think I've even seen it written. In any case, it's a combination of the initials of the founders. The... thing is an annual gathering of old friends [and their kids (and their spouses and/or kids, eventually, though I'm not sure wether all the kids want to continue the tradition our parents started)]. Our families live all across the country, so there's no point in having a 'permanent' place for it. We take turns organising it, though everyone participates in some way. We meet up, hang out for a couple of days and (mostly) nights, eat great food and go home. It's always fun, even if 'the girls' decide to skip more ofen than not these days.
The location is always somewhere relatively remote. By a lake. Or a river. Or something. This time, we actually had two buildings. They were rented out separately, but didn't really have much in between them. Even if there weren't so many of us, we thought it better to book both to save potential neighbours.
That place was just something else. I loved the 'main house' to bits. ;w; It was like a huge maze~ Doors everywhere and more rooms lined up you'd think possible - until you got to the kitchens in the middle. You could go anywhere from there. All in all it must've had over ten doors leading out. And big windows and enough bathrooms, which is pretty much a miracle.
Me and one other 'kid' slept in the other building, however - it had lovely windows too. Surprisingly maze-ish for a cottage that size, too. Then, there were storage buildings. Both at least partly abandoned - missing doors, walls or floors. Alternatively, with doors nailed, bolted and otherwise jammed shut on both sides. It was way awesome~
I had to climb through collapsed shelves to get anywhere from the main door. Then I got to a bigger room that... made noises. Creepy. Ee, it was so cool~~
Then we (me and the oldest boy) stumbled into the smallest room. It was so completely isolated not even dust could gather. The whole building must have been left alone for decades. We found enough materials to build three saunas, two barbecue stalls and various other things. >__> It was just bursting with unwanted things.
... did I mention I like exploring? I'll just shut up now.
So yeah. If we're far away from others, no one has to look their best. The adults also like to drink. And then sing. And talk and play guitar and laugh and cry. Us kids... we bring the PlayStation 2 with us every time. My laptop, too. It's fun, sure, and since there were four of us (three ditched) not everyone could play. This naturally leads to discussion. Of games, often. The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (which I got from the boys then), Guitar Hero, Left 4 Dead and Assassins Creed for the most part. It's sad, really, I haven't even got to play all of those yet.
When I did play, it was either Guitar Hero Metallica or Ape Escape 3 (couldn't bring anything you'd need to focus on, having to take turns and all). I'd forgotten how entertaining that can be. @____@ And the music, uhh, it stays with you for weeks. Some way or other, the combination of those, Doctor Who and Which late at night led to the most confusing nightmare comedy I've seen in a while. It involved a giant zombie ape with crazy tank strength down in the sewers. >__>; It smelled bad. I think I laughed out loud when I woke up.
I spent time with the adults as well, of course. It's just not that easy to keep up with them when they've been drinking (and your aunt is trying to get you to drink cider). But well, they have some style. I've never seen them throwing up for all this. X'3
So I sat down near someone and the discussion drifted to swimming. Then... I got an offer. An old one repeated, really, but with something new thrown in. I did mention I liked water,
right? That someone often goes diving and, nowadays, works in Thailand at times. He invited me to go see him. Again.
So now I was seriously considering going there for a week or so to get a diving license, either to 18m or to 30m depending on how long I'd be there. This 'someone' is the one who brought up the idea in the first place and later made it possible, he even offered to find me a place to stay and pay for the course if necessary (so all I'd need to do would be along the lines 'run when your mum's not looking'. She didn't appreciate the idea very much). The offer is likely to become a yearly tradition unless I get to go or have to flat-out reject it. Both of which I failed to do, thanks to my parents.
I've wanted to be able to explore underwater ever since I was a child. I hope one day I'll have a real chance.
So then, Pahkat. Or PAHKAT... pahkat? Umm. I don't think I've even seen it written. In any case, it's a combination of the initials of the founders. The... thing is an annual gathering of old friends [and their kids (and their spouses and/or kids, eventually, though I'm not sure wether all the kids want to continue the tradition our parents started)]. Our families live all across the country, so there's no point in having a 'permanent' place for it. We take turns organising it, though everyone participates in some way. We meet up, hang out for a couple of days and (mostly) nights, eat great food and go home. It's always fun, even if 'the girls' decide to skip more ofen than not these days.
The location is always somewhere relatively remote. By a lake. Or a river. Or something. This time, we actually had two buildings. They were rented out separately, but didn't really have much in between them. Even if there weren't so many of us, we thought it better to book both to save potential neighbours.
That place was just something else. I loved the 'main house' to bits. ;w; It was like a huge maze~ Doors everywhere and more rooms lined up you'd think possible - until you got to the kitchens in the middle. You could go anywhere from there. All in all it must've had over ten doors leading out. And big windows and enough bathrooms, which is pretty much a miracle.
Me and one other 'kid' slept in the other building, however - it had lovely windows too. Surprisingly maze-ish for a cottage that size, too. Then, there were storage buildings. Both at least partly abandoned - missing doors, walls or floors. Alternatively, with doors nailed, bolted and otherwise jammed shut on both sides. It was way awesome~
I had to climb through collapsed shelves to get anywhere from the main door. Then I got to a bigger room that... made noises. Creepy. Ee, it was so cool~~
Then we (me and the oldest boy) stumbled into the smallest room. It was so completely isolated not even dust could gather. The whole building must have been left alone for decades. We found enough materials to build three saunas, two barbecue stalls and various other things. >__> It was just bursting with unwanted things.
... did I mention I like exploring? I'll just shut up now.
So yeah. If we're far away from others, no one has to look their best. The adults also like to drink. And then sing. And talk and play guitar and laugh and cry. Us kids... we bring the PlayStation 2 with us every time. My laptop, too. It's fun, sure, and since there were four of us (three ditched) not everyone could play. This naturally leads to discussion. Of games, often. The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (which I got from the boys then), Guitar Hero, Left 4 Dead and Assassins Creed for the most part. It's sad, really, I haven't even got to play all of those yet.
When I did play, it was either Guitar Hero Metallica or Ape Escape 3 (couldn't bring anything you'd need to focus on, having to take turns and all). I'd forgotten how entertaining that can be. @____@ And the music, uhh, it stays with you for weeks. Some way or other, the combination of those, Doctor Who and Which late at night led to the most confusing nightmare comedy I've seen in a while. It involved a giant zombie ape with crazy tank strength down in the sewers. >__>; It smelled bad. I think I laughed out loud when I woke up.
I spent time with the adults as well, of course. It's just not that easy to keep up with them when they've been drinking (and your aunt is trying to get you to drink cider). But well, they have some style. I've never seen them throwing up for all this. X'3
So I sat down near someone and the discussion drifted to swimming. Then... I got an offer. An old one repeated, really, but with something new thrown in. I did mention I liked water,
right? That someone often goes diving and, nowadays, works in Thailand at times. He invited me to go see him. Again.
So now I was seriously considering going there for a week or so to get a diving license, either to 18m or to 30m depending on how long I'd be there. This 'someone' is the one who brought up the idea in the first place and later made it possible, he even offered to find me a place to stay and pay for the course if necessary (so all I'd need to do would be along the lines 'run when your mum's not looking'. She didn't appreciate the idea very much). The offer is likely to become a yearly tradition unless I get to go or have to flat-out reject it. Both of which I failed to do, thanks to my parents.
I've wanted to be able to explore underwater ever since I was a child. I hope one day I'll have a real chance.
1 September 2010
Summer - guests (= time-in-between)
(Originally written at 1 AM a few days ago)
It's funny what you can do to keep your mind from wandering. Listening to music, singing along and beating my Tetris highscore at the same time wasn't even nearly enough, so here I am, magically overcoming my fear of writing. Way to go.
Now we get to the part I'm not even sure about. I think I was ready to hop on the first bus to Ylivieska (from where I would've continued to Oulu) right away, but stuff came up and oh hey, now we have guests coming. Messed with my plans pretty bad.
I think it was around this time I met up with ttuw as well. What happened, anyway? My memory seems to be failing me. I remember searching for Tolkien's works in English at every second-hand bookstore I could find, eating something and sitting in a car (she was driving) but I've lost most of the details. All I remember clearly are the conversations.
I hope this isn't permanent. ,____,;;;
Um. Yeah. I didn't find the books. I went to the library with dad later so I could at least read them. We took Bilbo's Last Song, The Children of Húrin, The Silmarillion and The Hobbit. ♥ Old, beautiful versions. I wish I could just go and buy them...
The visitors. They were family, from Oulu. Two adults and four children, the eldest a girl around my age. They didn't stay long, they were just here for the third child's baseball camp. We did get to spend some time together anyway, playing Guitar Hero World Tour and discussing 'this and that', including manga. Apparently, the first child is pretty much running a club for the local younger 'fans'. Not one she started or has to collect funds for, but still. Huh. I had no idea something like that was going on in other towns.
My memory really is all fuzzy. I wonder what I forgot. Or how(/why).
I suppose I can edit this later. I can't and won't post anything until I'm done with these, so it's about time these got out.
It's funny what you can do to keep your mind from wandering. Listening to music, singing along and beating my Tetris highscore at the same time wasn't even nearly enough, so here I am, magically overcoming my fear of writing. Way to go.
Now we get to the part I'm not even sure about. I think I was ready to hop on the first bus to Ylivieska (from where I would've continued to Oulu) right away, but stuff came up and oh hey, now we have guests coming. Messed with my plans pretty bad.
I think it was around this time I met up with ttuw as well. What happened, anyway? My memory seems to be failing me. I remember searching for Tolkien's works in English at every second-hand bookstore I could find, eating something and sitting in a car (she was driving) but I've lost most of the details. All I remember clearly are the conversations.
I hope this isn't permanent. ,____,;;;
Um. Yeah. I didn't find the books. I went to the library with dad later so I could at least read them. We took Bilbo's Last Song, The Children of Húrin, The Silmarillion and The Hobbit. ♥ Old, beautiful versions. I wish I could just go and buy them...
The visitors. They were family, from Oulu. Two adults and four children, the eldest a girl around my age. They didn't stay long, they were just here for the third child's baseball camp. We did get to spend some time together anyway, playing Guitar Hero World Tour and discussing 'this and that', including manga. Apparently, the first child is pretty much running a club for the local younger 'fans'. Not one she started or has to collect funds for, but still. Huh. I had no idea something like that was going on in other towns.
My memory really is all fuzzy. I wonder what I forgot. Or how(/why).
I suppose I can edit this later. I can't and won't post anything until I'm done with these, so it's about time these got out.
16 August 2010
Summer - with Ruu
Note (to self): these aren't always written in the order they happened, so I might get something wrong. It's enough to remember most of it for now.
Well then. Cultural differences. It's relatively common for people here to have (or at least know someone who has) summer villas. saying it like that makes it sound too impressive, though, seeing as the very very literal translation would be 'summer cottage'. Every teacher recommends the word 'cabin', but that makes me think of something even less impressive. Whatever they are, my family had one booked for a week. (Just like any other year, except we had Ruu with us. To be honest, she was the only reason I didn't just skip the whole thing; I don't exactly enjoy spending time with my family.)
Luckily, this time the place actually was as house-ish as 'villa' suggests.
Not specifically built for the purpose, but an old house. A whole house, very much livable even now. It had enough room for all of us, a nice yard with forest to three directions and a sauna by the lake. The 'beach' was... well, it could've been worse. Really. It just hadn't been visited often enough, which meant it got really slimy a few meters into the lake. Nothing dangerous, though, and it didn't get in the way while swimming. Well... not when we didn't get head first into some plant thing right in the middle of it. Still. Not poisonous.
We spent a lot of time indoors. The weather just... ugh. It was hot. Horribly so. We went to sleep late and didn't really wake up until noon. Ruu spent even more time sleeping than I did, she could sleep through the sun trying to boil us alive and take a nap later. I pretty much finished reading the book during those times. Mostly we just kept lazing around anyway; we watched anime on my laptop, read manga, listened to music, roasted marshmallows and drew. Or scribbled.
Second floor. One of the few pictures with no extra people in it. (We could climb out of that window!)
The cottage had a boat. A very basic rowing boat for up to four people. Ruu and me took off with it for a while and went to explore the nearby island... thing. It was tiny, that's for sure, but someone had made a fire there anyway. We didn't go very far, someone was cooking for us already and getting the boat to stay still wasn't easy. There was barely enough rope to tie to the tree closest to the water. We got more later when we visited our house with dad. After that, we had the chance to go further across the lake.
... That was amazing. ;w; ♥
Simple, really, but it had been such a long time since I last got to do any real exploring. We got across our side of the lake, to an inlet of sorts, went through and started looking for a place to leave the boat. For whatever reason, someone had left a makeshift raft on the shore. We followed the path from that spot and eventually got to another cottage. The old couple there were rather surprised to see two girls pop out of the woods. X'3 We asked them where we were and, following the instructions, continued along the road for a bit. We found an abandoned (or very close; the place was shut off with a chain across the driveway and the yard looked more like a meadow) group of houses and an old sauna by the lake. And a tiny frog. We turned back after a while and took another path to our boat.
It doesn't sound much like an adventure when simply recorded like this, but that's the point. Anyone else remember those old books for young boys? Books of adventures, small things made big the atmosphere? Mysterious paths, hideouts, rafts and independence?
... Anyone else noticed how no one writes them anymore?
I suppose they wouldn't be very popular. Instead, the books for that audience today are easy to read, simple, with less pages than I would have considered a book worth reading... stories of football, computers, skating and the like. Nothing wrong with those. I just wish someone would still be willing to read the old ones as well.
... you know, this isn't making any sense.
Anyway. We also watched 'proper' movies. Like Aladdin, The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Pirates of the Caribbean.
The first one is the best. The others... aren't bad, but they can't compare. ♥
Well then. Cultural differences. It's relatively common for people here to have (or at least know someone who has) summer villas. saying it like that makes it sound too impressive, though, seeing as the very very literal translation would be 'summer cottage'. Every teacher recommends the word 'cabin', but that makes me think of something even less impressive. Whatever they are, my family had one booked for a week. (Just like any other year, except we had Ruu with us. To be honest, she was the only reason I didn't just skip the whole thing; I don't exactly enjoy spending time with my family.)
Luckily, this time the place actually was as house-ish as 'villa' suggests.Not specifically built for the purpose, but an old house. A whole house, very much livable even now. It had enough room for all of us, a nice yard with forest to three directions and a sauna by the lake. The 'beach' was... well, it could've been worse. Really. It just hadn't been visited often enough, which meant it got really slimy a few meters into the lake. Nothing dangerous, though, and it didn't get in the way while swimming. Well... not when we didn't get head first into some plant thing right in the middle of it. Still. Not poisonous.
We spent a lot of time indoors. The weather just... ugh. It was hot. Horribly so. We went to sleep late and didn't really wake up until noon. Ruu spent even more time sleeping than I did, she could sleep through the sun trying to boil us alive and take a nap later. I pretty much finished reading the book during those times. Mostly we just kept lazing around anyway; we watched anime on my laptop, read manga, listened to music, roasted marshmallows and drew. Or scribbled.
Second floor. One of the few pictures with no extra people in it. (We could climb out of that window!)The cottage had a boat. A very basic rowing boat for up to four people. Ruu and me took off with it for a while and went to explore the nearby island... thing. It was tiny, that's for sure, but someone had made a fire there anyway. We didn't go very far, someone was cooking for us already and getting the boat to stay still wasn't easy. There was barely enough rope to tie to the tree closest to the water. We got more later when we visited our house with dad. After that, we had the chance to go further across the lake.
... That was amazing. ;w; ♥
Simple, really, but it had been such a long time since I last got to do any real exploring. We got across our side of the lake, to an inlet of sorts, went through and started looking for a place to leave the boat. For whatever reason, someone had left a makeshift raft on the shore. We followed the path from that spot and eventually got to another cottage. The old couple there were rather surprised to see two girls pop out of the woods. X'3 We asked them where we were and, following the instructions, continued along the road for a bit. We found an abandoned (or very close; the place was shut off with a chain across the driveway and the yard looked more like a meadow) group of houses and an old sauna by the lake. And a tiny frog. We turned back after a while and took another path to our boat.
It doesn't sound much like an adventure when simply recorded like this, but that's the point. Anyone else remember those old books for young boys? Books of adventures, small things made big the atmosphere? Mysterious paths, hideouts, rafts and independence?
... Anyone else noticed how no one writes them anymore?
I suppose they wouldn't be very popular. Instead, the books for that audience today are easy to read, simple, with less pages than I would have considered a book worth reading... stories of football, computers, skating and the like. Nothing wrong with those. I just wish someone would still be willing to read the old ones as well.
... you know, this isn't making any sense.
Anyway. We also watched 'proper' movies. Like Aladdin, The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Pirates of the Caribbean.
The first one is the best. The others... aren't bad, but they can't compare. ♥Even so, we had to finish the trilogy when we got home. Meaning Ruu and me, the others stayed at the cottage for some more days. We got some time for ourselves, as well as a chance to visit Joensuu before she had to go back home. I don't even remember how that idea surfaced, but we decided to bike there instead of taking the bus.
... good idea, healthy too, but just you try to do that in that kind of temperatures fully clothed to keep from getting a tan.
Oh well, the day was pretty fun anyway. Biking back was a lot more fun in the evening, after we'd already eaten ice-cream, shopped, bristled at some drunken racist-jerkface trying to pick a fight with innocent people, gone swimming with people (including Kazume) and the sun had... well, not set, it doesn't do that in the summer. Gone lower, in any case. I wish I had more photos from that day. We discovered an area that looked absolutely stupid on maps and absolutely beautiful in person. And ducks.
Made a new kinda-friend too; I'm sorry, but I don't really know when it's appropriate to call someone 'friend'. Still, we had fun.
The next day Ruu had to leave. We met up with people, but didn't have much time to spend there. I did stay in the city after she left, though. I'd planned on going home and being miserable, but hell, why not. I was invited after all. Ended up having fun, again, we played football (bad idea), went swimming in the river in the middle of Joensuu and slid down a soap slide thing behind a church.
... What was it anyway? >__>;
... good idea, healthy too, but just you try to do that in that kind of temperatures fully clothed to keep from getting a tan.
Oh well, the day was pretty fun anyway. Biking back was a lot more fun in the evening, after we'd already eaten ice-cream, shopped, bristled at some drunken racist-jerkface trying to pick a fight with innocent people, gone swimming with people (including Kazume) and the sun had... well, not set, it doesn't do that in the summer. Gone lower, in any case. I wish I had more photos from that day. We discovered an area that looked absolutely stupid on maps and absolutely beautiful in person. And ducks.
Made a new kinda-friend too; I'm sorry, but I don't really know when it's appropriate to call someone 'friend'. Still, we had fun.
The next day Ruu had to leave. We met up with people, but didn't have much time to spend there. I did stay in the city after she left, though. I'd planned on going home and being miserable, but hell, why not. I was invited after all. Ended up having fun, again, we played football (bad idea), went swimming in the river in the middle of Joensuu and slid down a soap slide thing behind a church.
... What was it anyway? >__>;
Summer - Kajaani
Long, boring and not at all important babble about things that have been going on. Then again, I did give a fair warning earlier.
Right. Tracon. As you know or may have guessed: I didn't get to go. I did push off the final decision until the night/morning before the supposed trip, though I'm not sure wether it was "not feeling so bad" or "plain stubborness" anymore.
After that... I tidied up the house a bit after making some painfully slow progress on Lyon. Had to call it a day too soon, I couldn't keep up with all the required thinking and planning. Went back to sleep (coma, more like) and tried to recover from the flu or whatever.
After a few days of rest and slow recovery (mostly in the form of RuneScape, which by the way is awesome despite the reputation it has here in Finland, and Suikoden)... well, I'm not completely sure to be honest. Something or other happened, I remembered I was supposed to be in Kajaani visiting my grandparents, started packing and hopped on the first bus. The way there was okay; horribly hot, but since the back seats were all free and no one seemed to be going there, I got myself some shade to lie down in. I'd grabbed the Lord of the Rings trilogy (In Finnish, sadly. The translators did a fine job, I can't complain... but. I mean, just look at the damn thing.) so I'd have something to read in case I got bored, and well, that's how I spent the bus ride.
Now that I mentioned Tolkien... I'm pretty sure I spent one of the "rest and recovery" days with Kazume-chan and ended up watching the first movie (These versions aren't even my fault. ?) of the trilogy as well. That must have been the reason I decided to read the books again so suddenly.
Anyway. When I got to Kajaani, I found out there was an event of sorts going on. Once again. I always seem to drop by at times like those. This time it was "Vihreät Niityt". Not something I'd take an interest in, but it meant a whole street was closed down to make space for a large amount of stands, shops, tables and stuff of the sort. I had so much fun~ I've always liked shiny stuff (Even when I went through my "ew, girly" phase: I just pretended they were magic crystals... no, not every single time.), but I'm this interested in jewellery - especially rings - only while in my Tolkien quick-phases. Or whatever I should call them. >__>; Every language I know seems to be lacking the word.
Some of the rings were absolutely beautiful. (I didn't buy any; it's not like I could wear them anyway. Even if I didn't hate my fingers. I'm not too big on jewellry.) I have pictures, but I doubt the keeper would like me spreading quality photos of her merchandise... So I'll just spam you with the stuff I did buy.
Such as this pendant - the bead is completely transparent, except when the light hits it the right way and it just... flares up.
And this strap - I wasn't sure wether I should buy it or not, but when I looked up... the salesman was the spitting image of Remus Lupin. I couldn't just leave after that.
Though my time there was fun, I couldn't just forget everything. I started to really realize what it means to be sick for a month: all the excercize before was for nothing. I'd barely just got the hang of it, and suddenly... everything was wiped clean. To be honest, I'm still not completely back on track.
I did swear to swim every day, though, and apart from a couple of really-not-my-fault days, that's what I've done. (I bike every chance I get as well.) It's not even really work, I've loved water ever since I was a child. Maybe a little too much. Still, getting to swim this often (especially with the weather being what it is) is just... amazing. I could live in the water and be happy.
... but, uh, I still can't really... swim. >__>;; (I'm kinda trying to learn but it's not as easy as you think.) The only actual style I can do is the most basic and most tiring of them all. I learned to move well underwater before I learned to 'swim' anyway, so, uh, yeah. I can float though, it's the easiest thing I've done since breathing.
So I either keep my head below the surface or stay still most of the time. XD; In any case: I love being in the water, more than I can put into words.
We spotted the sign to the stables I used to go to for camps, Kajaanin Hevosharrastekeskus, and I realized just how much I miss being around horses. A few minutes later I found myself in front of the main building arranging for a lesson. Seriously, grandparents are a bit too eager to pamper us. ;w; Not to mention my grandfather; he's unlike anyone else in his kindness. From what I've heard, it's how he's always been. I've met countless 'kind people', some amazingly so, but he seems to be in his own league.
Wait. The lesson. Yeah. The best chance was the one late in the next evening. It was introduced to me as an advanced class of show riding, meaning jumping over fences. Let's just say it had me worried; I did always like those classes, but I'd never specialized in it or encountered high fences. I had some luck for once, though. Turns out I was the only one who showed up at all and I got to go to the woods alone with the instructor. So in the end, I got to do exactly what I'd always liked the most. Naturally, none of 'my' horses were left at the stables, but they still had quite a few of those I'd at least seen in my time. I got one of them, Hallikainen.
I admit, the whole thing made me want to get back to the hobby. I'm afraid I don't have the time for that, though, and I'm not that willing to make any by cutting down on other things.
Right. Tracon. As you know or may have guessed: I didn't get to go. I did push off the final decision until the night/morning before the supposed trip, though I'm not sure wether it was "not feeling so bad" or "plain stubborness" anymore.
After that... I tidied up the house a bit after making some painfully slow progress on Lyon. Had to call it a day too soon, I couldn't keep up with all the required thinking and planning. Went back to sleep (coma, more like) and tried to recover from the flu or whatever.
After a few days of rest and slow recovery (mostly in the form of RuneScape, which by the way is awesome despite the reputation it has here in Finland, and Suikoden)... well, I'm not completely sure to be honest. Something or other happened, I remembered I was supposed to be in Kajaani visiting my grandparents, started packing and hopped on the first bus. The way there was okay; horribly hot, but since the back seats were all free and no one seemed to be going there, I got myself some shade to lie down in. I'd grabbed the Lord of the Rings trilogy (In Finnish, sadly. The translators did a fine job, I can't complain... but. I mean, just look at the damn thing.) so I'd have something to read in case I got bored, and well, that's how I spent the bus ride.
Now that I mentioned Tolkien... I'm pretty sure I spent one of the "rest and recovery" days with Kazume-chan and ended up watching the first movie (These versions aren't even my fault. ?) of the trilogy as well. That must have been the reason I decided to read the books again so suddenly.
Anyway. When I got to Kajaani, I found out there was an event of sorts going on. Once again. I always seem to drop by at times like those. This time it was "Vihreät Niityt". Not something I'd take an interest in, but it meant a whole street was closed down to make space for a large amount of stands, shops, tables and stuff of the sort. I had so much fun~ I've always liked shiny stuff (Even when I went through my "ew, girly" phase: I just pretended they were magic crystals... no, not every single time.), but I'm this interested in jewellery - especially rings - only while in my Tolkien quick-phases. Or whatever I should call them. >__>; Every language I know seems to be lacking the word.
Some of the rings were absolutely beautiful. (I didn't buy any; it's not like I could wear them anyway. Even if I didn't hate my fingers. I'm not too big on jewellry.) I have pictures, but I doubt the keeper would like me spreading quality photos of her merchandise... So I'll just spam you with the stuff I did buy.
Such as this pendant - the bead is completely transparent, except when the light hits it the right way and it just... flares up.It's from the same stall as the best rings; I felt I had to buy something after practically living there for a while. They had a lot of these with beads of various colours (shiny stuff *w*) and different creatures wrapped around them. The most common seemed to be a more western kind of a dragon with a sea blue bead, but they had monkeys and tigers as well. And scorpions. I just liked that one.
And this strap - I wasn't sure wether I should buy it or not, but when I looked up... the salesman was the spitting image of Remus Lupin. I couldn't just leave after that.Though my time there was fun, I couldn't just forget everything. I started to really realize what it means to be sick for a month: all the excercize before was for nothing. I'd barely just got the hang of it, and suddenly... everything was wiped clean. To be honest, I'm still not completely back on track.
I did swear to swim every day, though, and apart from a couple of really-not-my-fault days, that's what I've done. (I bike every chance I get as well.) It's not even really work, I've loved water ever since I was a child. Maybe a little too much. Still, getting to swim this often (especially with the weather being what it is) is just... amazing. I could live in the water and be happy.
... but, uh, I still can't really... swim. >__>;; (I'm kinda trying to learn but it's not as easy as you think.) The only actual style I can do is the most basic and most tiring of them all. I learned to move well underwater before I learned to 'swim' anyway, so, uh, yeah. I can float though, it's the easiest thing I've done since breathing.
So I either keep my head below the surface or stay still most of the time. XD; In any case: I love being in the water, more than I can put into words.
We spotted the sign to the stables I used to go to for camps, Kajaanin Hevosharrastekeskus, and I realized just how much I miss being around horses. A few minutes later I found myself in front of the main building arranging for a lesson. Seriously, grandparents are a bit too eager to pamper us. ;w; Not to mention my grandfather; he's unlike anyone else in his kindness. From what I've heard, it's how he's always been. I've met countless 'kind people', some amazingly so, but he seems to be in his own league.
Wait. The lesson. Yeah. The best chance was the one late in the next evening. It was introduced to me as an advanced class of show riding, meaning jumping over fences. Let's just say it had me worried; I did always like those classes, but I'd never specialized in it or encountered high fences. I had some luck for once, though. Turns out I was the only one who showed up at all and I got to go to the woods alone with the instructor. So in the end, I got to do exactly what I'd always liked the most. Naturally, none of 'my' horses were left at the stables, but they still had quite a few of those I'd at least seen in my time. I got one of them, Hallikainen.
I admit, the whole thing made me want to get back to the hobby. I'm afraid I don't have the time for that, though, and I'm not that willing to make any by cutting down on other things.
1 August 2010
Episode "Book Fiasco"
Seems like I finally managed to separate dA and these. Yay? They still have corresponding journals too often, but oh well.
Around twenty minutes ago I found out my grandmother has stored books up in the attic; the space that isn't really a part of the house, doesn't have insulation and isn't even near safe from the weather. If that's not bad enough? They weren't in shelves, nor were they properly stacked. Some of them had paperclips in then, permanently twisting the pages, some of them were thrown into a pile, some of them dumped like clothes in a laundry basket three sizes too small. Some of them... it was horrible. Don't have the words. I cried.
I don't know how anyone could let this happen. My opinion of her keeps getting worse and worse. Ugh... Just another reason to hate maturing. It's not like I grow to hate relatives for fun.
The only reason I took so long was salvaging them, bringing them indoors and telling her to stay away from them.
I'm just so... disappointed. Mad. Devastated. Sorry for the poor books. For once, I don't care if you think I'm crazy.
I've been like this since I was a child; getting attached to places and objects, feeling for them, respecting books no matter what. Some of the ones I saved I wouldn't touch with a pole in any other circumistances, but I couldn't just let it happen any longer.
The reason I didn't notice this any sooner? They had been thrown all around the place, and it was only recently one of my cousins arranged them.
So now I have a huge box full of books I probably won't read.
I'll see what to do with them; maybe sell off the ones I believe will get new homes and are in a suitable condition; keep some of them, like the Alice in Wonderland compilation from year who-knows-which in English; just... keep the rest safe and mourn for them after asking around for those willing to adopt no matter the condition.
... I'm afraid I had to leave the gossip magazines; they're a waste of space and no one would buy them anyway. Those I never had much respect for.
Around twenty minutes ago I found out my grandmother has stored books up in the attic; the space that isn't really a part of the house, doesn't have insulation and isn't even near safe from the weather. If that's not bad enough? They weren't in shelves, nor were they properly stacked. Some of them had paperclips in then, permanently twisting the pages, some of them were thrown into a pile, some of them dumped like clothes in a laundry basket three sizes too small. Some of them... it was horrible. Don't have the words. I cried.
I don't know how anyone could let this happen. My opinion of her keeps getting worse and worse. Ugh... Just another reason to hate maturing. It's not like I grow to hate relatives for fun.
The only reason I took so long was salvaging them, bringing them indoors and telling her to stay away from them.
I'm just so... disappointed. Mad. Devastated. Sorry for the poor books. For once, I don't care if you think I'm crazy.
I've been like this since I was a child; getting attached to places and objects, feeling for them, respecting books no matter what. Some of the ones I saved I wouldn't touch with a pole in any other circumistances, but I couldn't just let it happen any longer.
The reason I didn't notice this any sooner? They had been thrown all around the place, and it was only recently one of my cousins arranged them.
So now I have a huge box full of books I probably won't read.
I'll see what to do with them; maybe sell off the ones I believe will get new homes and are in a suitable condition; keep some of them, like the Alice in Wonderland compilation from year who-knows-which in English; just... keep the rest safe and mourn for them after asking around for those willing to adopt no matter the condition.
... I'm afraid I had to leave the gossip magazines; they're a waste of space and no one would buy them anyway. Those I never had much respect for.
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